RPG Quotes



The Compilation of Tabletop RPG Quotes



The Compilation of Tabletop RPG Quotes

 

Last Updated: Saturday, December 26th, 2020

     This section is a repository of gaming moments. It is not uncommon for the people who play tabletop RPGs to write down the amusing, interesting, appropriate, poignant, and down-right off the wall things their fellow players say. Not only are these quotes fun to read, they usually carry with them a rich and complex record of gaming languaculture: styles, aesthetics, practices, idioms, humor, ideologies, how to play and how not to: the list goes on and on. The quotes in this section are organized by the campaigns and gaming groups they originated in. The game system being played in each campaign is listed next to its title. Just click on the titles below to view each listing. This compilation adheres to the same philosophy of free speech that the Forums section abides by: maximum heterogeneity, no censure of word choice, where only hateful and damaging quotes were ommitted. Wherever possible, the quotes are arranged in chronological order, with more recent lines appearing first. *If you’d like to add your gaming group’s quotes to this list, contact us here and let us know: Contact Form

Ian’s Ephemeris Crew [2020-2021] Campaign [Starfinder Modified]


The Candleburn Campaign [2016-2021] [Deathtraps and Dragonflies Rules]


The Twilight Faerie Realm Campaign [AD&D Second Edition]


Ryan Scott Jones’ Second Edition D&D Campaign


The Eye of Minstael, Original [1994-2005] Campaign. [D&D Second Edition]


The Eye of Minstael, Twist IV. [D&D 3.5x Modified]


Z’s World’s Largest Dungeon Campaign [D&D 3.5]


Nick Wood’s Middenheim Campaign [AD&D 2.x]


The “Ranger Adventure” [1995] Campaign. [D&D Second Edition]


The Cirocene Campaign. [D&D 2.x, experimental]


The “Solnean Steampower” Campaign. [D&D 3.5x Modified]


The Great Miscellany: quotes from short campaigns, way out of context, etc.


Links to Other Tabletop RPG Quote Listings On the Net

Ian’s Ephemeris Crew Campaign [Starfinder Modified]

(Ian the GM) “Throw 97 dice at him will ya?” Context unknown, but the crew was in shuttle docking bay 97 when this “Dice!” event was called for.
“I am certain we will bring back barrels of plausible deniability with us..” Referring to a need to (once again) throw the local authorities off our trail.
(Matt Enga) “We are Wizard of Ozing these people SO hard right now.” The PCs were speaking with a ruling counsel of humanoid beetles that had survived their planet’s nuclear holocost; the party was busy bending them to our will..
(Matt 2) “Montage the moon sounds like an album title..” (Ian) “That’s a lost Pink Floyd album” The PCs were reviewing their “to do” list for the beetle-holocost planet and wanted to revisit an abandoned lunar reserach station using a kind of montage (to maximize the loot and minimize the risk perhaps?).
(Amanda) “It’s a psychic-beer-meeba!” Referring to an alien, psychic, slime-like creature that the PCs were possibly placing in beer bottles for transport as their new pet.
(Mat 2) “Can we feed it and treat it like a Mr. Fusion?” (Toutatis’ player) “There’s a quote!” Yet another reference to the beer-meeba, and to Back to the Future.
(Toutatis’ player) “I call thee Gazebo” Yet another reference to the beer-meeba, as well as to the role of Gazebos in tabletop RPGs
(Toutatis’ player) “Well, there’s always consequences when you lick it!” A comment on Ian the GM’s descriptions of the beer-meeba, which included physiological effects of touching the alien life form…the group had just referenced a dead PC who once licked green slime in a fantasy game.
“Did we find any Tupperware on the way back? In the rubble?” The party was discussing ways to transport the beer-meeba, and thought having this kind of container might be helpful. The PCs had previously salvaged other artifacts from the ruined alien city which was of a lower tech level than the rest of the galaxy.
(Dr. G) “I’ll look up the spell in my tablet and do some wiggly-jiggly jazz hands” Dr. G is a technomancer and was about to cast a spell, the wiggly-jiggly as the somatic component of the spell..
(Amanda) “Are any of us temporally magically delicious?” A questions posed to the GM after her character, Dr. G, used detect magic on a time effect.
(Amanda) “Can I control the control check to modify its range?” Using the rules from Deathtraps and Dragonflies (DTDF), her character (Dr. G) was using a class skill called “control” which allows spell casters to modify the spells they cast to do things their rules-descriptions wouldn’t usually allow. In this case, the meta-aspect was particularly amusing..
“It really WAS a wild party!” Comment spoken in-game by a wild-magic-animated burning bush as an ice statue was animating during a fancy celebrity party that was targeted by Formian terrorists.
“One of them is a statue…he doesn’t take a step back.” The GM describing the details of a combat map in Roll20, which contained a statue figure amid a group of other characters..
(NPC gnome) “I know you’re invisible! I SEE that!” The gnome was an NPC musician speaking to a PC who had turned magically invisible as violence was imminent.
(Amanda) “Can a dwarf have dwarf-vision?” Not sure of the context, but it was amusing..
(Toutatis) “We’re the violent sect of Buddhists…think of us as the shotgun Buddhists!” This statement was semi-related to the fact that the PCs had encountered the enlightened one in a bar at the end of the universe during a previous session. I believe the quote was poking fun at the fact that despite this encounter, the group was still unusually prone to employing violence.
(Mech dude) “Everybody hates the guy who steals from the work fridge” (Toutatis) “Common ground! Common ground!” The “Mech dude” was a refugee from the Mechwarrior Universe who had become a member of the Ephemeris crew. This was a rare moment of cultural connection.
(Toutatis) “It’s interesting that chaos magic produces something so regular.” This was in reference to a wild surge effect in which a summoned weather system had shifts in dangerous effects (lightning strikes, tornadoes, etc.) every half hour exactly.
“I’ll put a sticky note: sentient, do not drink.” The note was theoretically about to be placed on a wild-magically-animated bottle of liquor which was capable of speech.
(Toutatis) “If you try to turn the portal off before I leave, we’re going to have a problem of the my shotgun and your head variety..” Spoken by Tee the “elevated” mutant Arumvorax, who had jumped through a portal that lead to Sigil generated by a machine operated by the target of the quote..”
(Toutatis) “Origin is not going to be the MALP..” Origin was Toutatis’ sentient AI robotic companion. The party was exploring magical portals and was considering using the robot like a Stargate-series tracked probe.
“Did someone just teleport a wrench into your house Ian?” This was in reference to a strange tool that reportedly appeared in Ian’s REAL house..
(Ian) “That slap knocked the compulsions out of you!” In reference to a player who was semi-possessed by a golden magical item and compelled to do things until a slap landed..
(Ian the GM) “The ref doesn’t see it because the invisible guy is invisible” The PCs were contestants in a (space) reality video show similar to The Running Man…the arena they were in was themed after Earth basketball, complete with referees and arcane magic.
(Amanda) “So what’s going on there…a kangaroo pyramid?” One team’s basketball hoop, or rather “hoop ball hoop”, was eaten by Toutatis (a PC who can consume metal) as a means to prevent the other team from scoring. This prompted the opponents to create a kind of “arms-as-hoop” solution involving an acrobatic stacking of characters.
(GM) “You can absolutely groan pathetically. Groaning pathetically is a free action!” The GM, Ian Kaplan (a master of the craft by the way…flattery gets you…), was speaking to the PC Kirax in an Amusing metagame moment.
(Phillip) “I’m assuming he went to Catholic School if he is evil” We don’t recall the context, but as Kate said “Do you really need to know more?”
“And we can’t Van Gogh anywhere in this place!” (Artist NPC) “We destroyed the pun generator for a reason” The game session took place in an art colony space station..
“Yes, we need a quantum pussy generator!” The party was debating what kind of reward they were about to request from winning a reality show, and as usual the conversation went sexual..
(Dr. G) “OH…are we using our CRIME names now?” Yes Dr. G, yes we ARE using our crime names right now actually..

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The Candleburn Campaign [2016-2021] [Deathtraps and Dragonflies Rules]

(Andrea) “That’s the thing, our group doesn’t do cautious well.” An accurate description for sure! But then, they’re adventurers.
(Charles the Orc) “Do we want to do Ninja Turtles, Mad Max, or A-Team?” The party was selecting one of three vehicles in a garage to take into the wasteland, and this was an adequate description of the choices.
(Hedgeki) “I dig a little dirt hole for my Fanta.” The plant-like PC actually had a bottle of the liquid she was intending to consume by rooting into the pool of fluid.
(DM reading..) “To activate this wondrous prize, speak the word that never dies: Desdandexfalar Expandantillious!” This was the wording of a label attached to a wild-magically-delivered item..
(Wallace) “Welcome to babysitting team!” Possibly a reference to either Xelia’s lost/abandoned children, or to the overall lack of direction experienced by the party? This may have also been a reference to Xelia’s wild magical curse that made her want to make “baby slaves”.
(Darien) “Most of your summoned animals never get to eat.” Speaking to Hedgeki the Druid, whose summoned animals were notoriously short-lived.
(Andrea) “It’s not that kind of itch thank you very much!”, “Higher, to the left…thank you!” No clue with this quote and that sometimes happens because we were all laughing so hard I never paused to record the details of the moment. The closest other-thing I have written in my DMing notes is Charles is still in the wheelchair – robotic charging station on the back of the house.
(Katlypto) “It’s not every day that I have people who worship me ok?” Not sure what the exact scenario was at the time…anyone recall?
(Wallace) “I can’t get high on this stuff…it isn’t potent enough!” Not exactly certain of the context, but he was a Myconid and there was a magic mushroom thought floating around the scene somewhere..
(Amanda) “You open your bag…and you’re like FUCK where did my massive juke box go!? This was a reference to Charles’ inventory, which the DM had just cracked-down on. The Orc was apparently carrying a full-size juke box along with something like a dozen mortar shells and other assorted weighty items..
(Fileni) “Did you bring your feet with you?” She was speaking in-character to Charles the Orc, who had his feet amputated neatly and painlessly by a wild surge.
(Grimi) “Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s off to coins you go!” A comment made as Grimmi the Dwarven Paladin was wild-enchanted and under a compulsion to want to turn creatures to gold coins. She was chasing Xelia and trying to turn her into coins.
(Amanda) “Such a BIG ray!” (Charles) “You like that ray don’t you?” I’m fairly certain the subject “ray” was a magical energy ray…but I could be wrong?
(Amanda) “It’s like a reverse explosion that brings us together!” A comment on a wild surge effect that was targeting the party…aside from that I can’t recall the exact effect?
(Amanda) “He’s like Schrodinger’s Tonic!” A quantum joking reference to the NPC “Tonic Number Five”, a LE Kobold fighter/4 NPC that was currently in a state of superposition between life and death due to a series of wild surges.
(Session spectator) “Leviticon is immortal! I worship Leviticon.” The “Leviticon” was an armored personnel carrier that was wild-transformed into a kind of Decepticon that was spouting Biblical verses and threats like the character Jules Winfield in Pulp Fiction. It thus quickly became known as a “Leviticon” and it frightened the entire party…in and out of game!
(Fileni) “Oh you know, Charles is covered in blood, Wallace is eating piss furniture.” Well, Charles the Orc was often covered in blood. In that scene the PCs were gathered in a post-apocalyptic convenience store and the plant-based PCs (Hedgeki and Wallace) were using their eating tendrils to consume a soiled couch.
(Charles the Orc) “Can I body toss myself?” Charles was an expert at throwing bodies in combat, and even had a magical bracelet that allowed him extra range with body tossing. In this case, he wanted to try and throw himself…which was a very Charles thing to attempt.
(Fileni) “Currently…the highest-ranking bang priest is Charles the Great.” I can’t exactly recall what a bang priest is, but it was a sexual reference and Fileni WAS a brothel owner at one point in her history.
(Fileni) “May your soul be sewn back into the sweater of life..” The priest of “Peter the Dressmaker” was speaking at a funeral..
(Unknown) “Then we can birf-friend the colorful one!” A pun on the “birf” reference made earlier by Xelia.
(Xelia) “They birfed on you!”, “Did the birf already evaporated?” This was an amusing reference to the “barf” of a group of Raptor-like Cockatrices that were able to vomit a kind of grease spell at opponents. After some amount of rounds the “birf” evaporated-away.
(Unknown PC but maybe Fileni) “Now that I’m Neutral Good, I have to care now!” Another consequence of wild magic.
(Fileni’s player) “Is Wallace coming tonight? No? Then I still have his wand of wonder!” That wand made the rounds back and forth throughout the inventor sheets of the party MANY times.
(Sam) “So why are you looking for a decapitated panda head when your kids are missing?” Speaking to Xelia or her player; the Panda was a childhood deity that Xelia had worshiped and gained her martial arts powers from, which showed up in the Shared Fantasy. It soon after lost its head and thus its ability to speak.
(Fileni) “Oh I could drop a summoned monster on your kid..” She was speaking to Xelia, who may have still had one or more children that wasn’t yet abandoned?
(Fileni) “Like, she’s no longer stone, but she has AIDS.” The party was in the middle of attempting to help a human woman turned to stone by a Cockatrice…and was doing rather poorly. Was this a comment on the possibilities of infection? The poor woman nearly died after being turned back and forth to and from stone in a series of missteps relating to her hand having “broken off” prior to receiving the party’s magical “aid”.
(Darien) “How much experience do you get for getting vomited on…for applying rage fuck lube? I laugh every time I read this, but I can’t recall the exact context. Anyone else remember?
(Fileni) “What if I cast Nhall’s Reckless Dweomer to throw this? Would that help?” No. No it would not. Question answered.
(Darien) “Smells terrible! The party was obviously here.” Perhaps a reference to Charles the Orc? Darien was searching for the party and attempting to track them out of a sewer system and into the wastelands.
(Hedgeki) “I don’t know what I saw…but it wasn’t normal.” Comment made after missing a spot check.
(Dungeon Maker) “That was a LONG trip to the floor, shit!” This was in reference to the PC Katlypto, who was falling to the floor about to die, but who was receiving “special points” from other players (something that helps keep characters alive in the Deathtraps and Dragonflies core rules we designed) for about 10 minutes out-of-game before this happened. She eventually managed to avoid the damage..
(Fileni) “Maybe charge gently?” This was spoken to Charles the Orc, who never really did anything “gently”. Charles had asked the party “What should I do?” or something similar..
(Hedgeki) “So, the stairs are more-filled with floody..” A reference to the flooded interior of an abandoned sewer the PCs were trying to escape.
(Fileni) “Let’s just go into another world and fuck that one up too!” This was after the PCs had plane-shifted the contents of the World’s Largest Dungeon into a version of post-apocalyptic Earth…also not an uncommon sentiment for wild mages with any planewalking experience!
(Charles) “So, in about 15 minutes we’re going to have a different healer..” (Fileni) “I was doing FINE!” This was in the context of Fileni’s “healing magic” wild-transforming into a cloudkill spell and polymorphing Ki-Zu into a Centaur. There was some frustration.
(Fileni’s player) “Such a soft kitty! And you have an asshole too!” She was petting the cat at the game table…and it did what cats like to do in those moments, putting its ass right in her face.
(Wallace) “I understand the phrase hung like a horse now!” (DM) “And you thought the leprechaun was well-endowed.” For reasons we leave to your imagination, the PCs were packed into a modern bathroom that was WAY smaller than it needed to be, and Wallace the 4’ Myconid was positioned under Ki-Zu, who had recently been polymorphed into a Centaur…a very well-endowed Centaur. As for the leprechaun I have NO idea.
(Wallace) “Guys, should I just make a bunch of surges go off?” You would think that the answer to this question would be “No!” but it was usually “Why the @#$% Not!?” in this campaign. Wallace was one of the more-lucky wild mages I have ever had the honor to run..
(Xelia) “I think the count is now doors 4, Charles zero..” A reference to the ongoing struggle between the Orc and portals of various technologies..
(Charles the Orc) “I grab my human teddy bear and climb onto the throne.” The “teddy bear” in this case was Darien the human PC.
(Darien) “Rage against the sap.” A reference to a certain variety of mutated pine tree whose sap, on contact with living creatures, causes rage and insanity..
(Hedgeki) “It was a test Hippogriff!” Referring to the relatively brief span of life her character’s summoned Hippogriff was able to experience before being annihilated by the mech. A running joke in this campaign is the life expectancy of Hedgeki’s druidic-summoned animals.
(Charles the Orc) “I just saw it bitch-slap the Hippogriff and was like FUCK THIS SHIT!” The “it” in this case was a combat mech summoned by wild magic.
(Charles the Orc) “I want a third arm! I could hold THREE axes!” (Fileni) “Oh Charles, I hate you.” The context is somewhat foggy, but I’m 96.7% sure it had to do with the possibilities of a Fileni-conjured wild surge.
(Fileni) “It looks drippy and it ain’t wet!” Referring to the character Xanthos, who was partially digested by a monster and spat back out?
(Andrea) “This chair hurts when I’m dying!” Spoken by Xelia’s player …in the context of her character getting killed?
(Xelia) “The things that want to kill us are fighting the other things that want to kill us.” Looking at my notes…it isn’t clear who this is referring to, but the comment was amusing.
(Ki-Zu) “You’ve been on me enough. Let’s take a break?” The PC was speaking in-character to Ki-Zu’s NPC guard and follower.
(Wallace) “I’ve saved us before…I can save us again!” Around this time Wallace, the Myconid wild mage, was becoming the party leader.
(Hedgeki) “It’s lying face-ground and it’s not moving..” An extremely appropriate and accurate comment, despite the humor.
(Unknown PC but likely Fileni or Wallace?) “Nothing seems to leave until I blow it up..” The context is somewhat mysterious, although this quote was uttered sometime around the appearance of a wild-magically-summoned “Love Struck Cow” that plagued the party briefly..
(Xelia) “Could I have the cheese? I have nothing…they robbed me blind, I have kids to feed.” In fact, this PC DID have kids to feed – three of them in fact that were tagging-along for the early parts of the campaign as a kind of Negative Quark background story element. Soon after, they would be abandoned in a post-apocalyptic sewer…
(Ki-Zu) “I have a moment of clarity – I get the hell out of here!!” And thus escape commenced from a group of Rust Monsters..
(Fileni) “We’re only going to fuck if you can say my name right!” She was speaking in-character [?] to the PC Xanthos, a hengeyokai raven PC rogue/sorcerer level 2.
(Wallace the Myconid) “You’re painted, so I thought you came from a swamp.” He was speaking in-character to Charles the Orc, who was in fact painted with…various substances and likely some gore and perhaps a bit of actual body paint?
(Dungeon Maker) “Charles doesn’t believe in Newtonian Physics!” In reference to the UTTERLY ridiculous things Charles the Orc could do when throwing bodies…
(unknown) “He’s an Orc, he’s got a short attention span.” I’m not sure who spoke this line, but it was appropriate and amusingly stereotypical.
(Dungeon Maker) “The Bison’s structural analysis of the dungeon wall is inconclusive.” Comment made after Katlypto, the Khajiit PC rogue, was turned into a Bison and made a skill check to evaluate the wall for traps or secrets..
(Charles) “I’m putting some of the hay stuff on the Dookey..” This was in the context of Katlypto, the Khajiit PC rogue, being turned into a Buffalo or Bison by a wild magical effect.
(Kate) “Maybe it should be Buffalypto now..” Her character’s name was actually Katlypto, but she was wild-polymorphed into a Buffalo.
(Xelia) “Who put their bed on my campsite!?” Referring to the fact that Fileni, a PC wild priest of Peter the Dressmaker, had just plane shifted into the camp along with some of the contents of her bedroom..
(Fileni) “Who’s to say that y’all didn’t appear in MY bedroom?!” This moment had something to do with Fileni’s wild-magical appearance, in which she was teleported and plane shifted into the group’s current location bedroom and all?
(NPC opponent speaking) “I am Fissplikk the orkbane, slime-slayer, devourer of pretty-pretty little fey!” This character was encountered in a variant of the World’s Largest Dungeon: a Kuo-Toan Anti-Paladin level 3. He did not survive very much longer after speaking this line, but his gang did manage to rob the PCs and leave them with very little gear.
(Unknown) “Rolling to care…above ten I do, below ten I do not.” Not sure who spoke this quote, but it was amusing in the moment.
(Nick Sones) “Hello I’m Charles, I’m currently going commando.” This may or may not have been true for the player, but it was certainly true for the Orc!
(Felicia) “I died TWICE and I still look this good!” Speaking as if she were the PC Ki-Zu, who did actually meet death twice within their (extremely well composed) character background story.
(Charles the Orc) “How edible is this beholder?” He may have been speaking to the Dungeon Maker, or the other PCs, and he was obviously hungry. Fragments of this beholder corpse may linger still in the Shared Fantasy
(Dreyson the NPC) “She’s Key, the Keymaster! Or do I say Key-Mistress? Dragonthumper I say!” One of the few recorded statements from this ill-fated NPC, who at the time was bragging about his master Ki-Zu.
(Charles) “If he’s dead I call dibs on his chain armor and stuff!” Looking back at my DMing notes, the about-to-be looted corpse was that of Dreyson, a 15 year old human NPC town guard and servant of Ki-Zu, the mutant wolf monk-ranger PC. Dreyson had but 8 hit points and 2 C.H.P. (Cinematic Hit Points) with a +4 modifier to AC and a little too much bravado…
(Xelia) “Don’t you have a torch, Orc?” (Charles) “Yes, but I want to light things on fire!” That is, the Orc wanted to light things on fire and NOT illuminate them? The context is somewhat elusive and circa [8-13-16].
(Nick) “Pardon me? Do you have any Grey Poupon?” He was making a side enactment (a kind of sideboard sub-performance) which poked fun at how his character, an Orc, might eat.
(Xelia) “What’s good about having an orc around? He can’t even open a damn door!” She was speaking to Charles the Orc, the party barbarian. This group was particularly plagued by doors throughout most of the campaign, except for the first real door-challenge, an impassible magical door that Charles (@#$%-ing somehow) opened with ease! Apparently, this somehow caused the party to get door-cursed forevermore..
(Felicia) “My character is not as fun as me.” Not sure about the context, but this seems to be true.
(all the PCs kind of in unison) “You got sucked off by a frog!” They were speaking to Charles the Orc, who encountered an underground deadly frog that accosted him..
(Charles the Orc) “So, I didn’t fall off a cliff either…why are we talking about this?” Good question – the context of this comment is lost to the halls and caverns of time. If anyone remembers please email me! Funmunitions@gmail.com
(Charles the Orc) “There are things that eat weapons and armor on the beach…they are mean.” Charles was 100% correct on both points. One of the fun patterns from this campaign was that when a fight scene happened, half of the party would engage while the other half ran away. Typically, the two sides would switch places mid-combat, and this quote happened during the first switch.
(Dungeon Maker) “The DM high-fives you for disarming yourself!” Speaking to the player of Charles the Orc, who had just discarded his primary weapon as a means to keep it from getting dissolved by the acid of an ooze-type monster.
(Xelia) “Does your arm grow back?” The PC was speaking to Hedgeki, a sentient plant humanoid, who had become stuck to the sticky secretions of a mimic…the party was pondering chopping her arm off, as grappling did not seem like a good option.
(Darien) “Oh HEY! This is a Mimic!” A classic realization when encountering a dungeoneering stereotype.
(Xelia) “So, I talked to a moth, and it told me there are buildings in the water..” Xelia was a druid who took full advantage of her ability to speak to the local fauna of the cave complex the PCs were stranded in.
(Xelia) “There better be no fish in that lake!” This was particularly amusing, because the PC Xelia was a nymph-out-of-water with a phobia of fish.
(DM) “It’s the neutral party!” The PC alignments were LN, TN, NG, NG, and CN initially..

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The Twilight Faerie Realm Campaign [AD&D Second Edition]

(Primus) “Seems like everything large here is dead.” (Sindar) “That’s kind of weird, don’t you think?” Comments made after the party had rifted to a post-apocalyptic Earth-like plane, and witnessed (or discovered) a few corpses (of a human and some deer) but encountered no large living creatures. There were, however, abundant bird and squirrel-life. Sindar’s comments are half out of character and sort of really say “Looks like radiation huh?”
(Primus) “Well the Pokemon said something about Jap-ponies school girls.” (Sindar) “What? Horse girls?” At the time, the party had just planeshifted to a post apocalyptic Earth-like environment after joining up with a pokemon-like creature. This creature, likely created just minutes prior by wild magic, had disjointed memories of modern life – including knowledge of what a Japanese school girl was, which he was sharing with the group.
“It’s like a gelatinous pussy!” Player comment on a gelatinous cube’s tendency to flee or avoid trouble.
(Fastred) “Prove you’re from Whoopasia.” (Newly resurrected imp Socrates): “Corthal’s a dick.” (Fastred) “You really are from Whoopasia.” After a wild surge resurrected Socrates, a Whoopasian local, and transported him to the party’s location. Neither PC has much love for Corthal…
“Hey! Big Fucker! You need to take a moment, find a wash board, take us off, and get busy with the soap! Are you even listening?” Sindar’s socks, shortly after attaining sentience, shortly after an unusual wild surge…if the word unusual can be applied as an adjective in this way. The comment went unheard.
“My guess is, if their style ensued they fled into the box.” The PC Sindar, commenting on the bravery of his companions as he and the PC Primus were searching for them. In fact, most of the missing PCs and NPCs had fled into a flatbox-like box of holding.
“Don’t die, stick your hand in your pocket!” Primus’ player, speaking to Fastred’s player. Leading up to the moment of this speech act, Fastred had grappled a beholder-kin who rapidly gained altitude. Bravely, Fastred held on and drew his shortsword, preparing to attack the creature the next combat round. However, before he could, the beholder spun around rapidly and knocked him off, causing a 115 foot fall toward a 50’ deep pit of spikes. Being a wild mage exposed to many years of surge results, Fastred’s touch was able to transmute leather into a variety of potential objects. Fastred takes advantage of this by carrying around a pouch full of leather balls; on his way down Fastred reached in to his pouch and tried to only grab 5 balls of leather, knowing full well each transmutation of leather would result in one or more wild surges due to the characteristics of the local area. He instead grabbed 8 balls of leather, but couldn’t concentrate sufficiently (he was falling) to control what the leather turned into. In an instant, 8 leather balls become large sections of NYC sewer pipe, severely wounding Fastred and taking him to -6 hit points. However, the force of the pipe’s impact gave him enough motion to clear the 50’ pit. Primus’ suggestion occurred sometime during the fall; he thought Fastred should try to cause as much wild magic as possible on the way down, since occasionally wild magic can be beneficial.
“I turn around, and run backwards as fast as I can.” Tesla’s player, after his character had jumped through a dimension door leading to a small chamber where a beholder-like monster was waiting. His mission was to lure the beholder-kin out through the dimension door, but his courage wavered a bit…he jumped back through the portal so fast it nearly happened before the beholder noticed him.
“It occurs to me, that we have a tasty fox in this box of holding.” Spoken by the hengeyokai house cat, psion PC Bugaboo. The party was getting hungry, and the fox in the box (damn you Dr. Seuss) was the PC Vulpecula, who had been sleeping in the box for some time as her player hadn’t been participating in recent sessions.
“I think it’s like donkey donkey hippo, clown clown masturbator.” Spoken by Primus. Another PC was helping Tesla learn some words in a language the rest of the party spoke, and Primus suggested this phrase as the translation for “perpetual motion machine.”
“I set my pocket knife for a charge.” Nearly the last words spoken by Tesla, the 1’ 8” quickling (level 1) wizard, who was the target of a swooping Darkmantle easily several times his size. The pocket knife, which Tesla stole from a nearby Prussian cavalry officer, was over half the character’s own size and was being wielded as if it were a sword. This quote is especially humorous since most weapons in D&D “set for a charge” are things like spears and pole weapons, not tiny pocket weapons.
“Ok, I will become alarmed.” Tesla, after being targeted by a darkness effect which was launched by a gigantic Darkmantle descending on his position.
“Fuck you until you’re not slimy anymore.” Spoken by Vulpecula’s player, likely referring to the NPC Casara, who was polymorphed into a slimy grell.
“Chuck Norris is no longer my responsibility.” Spoken by Fastred the purling wild mage, who was getting fed up with his kind-of familiar, a gremlin like creature (technically a Whammy) named Chuck Norris. The full humor of this line needs to be considered in the context of the following link. http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck
“Now take all your thoughts and pour them into the rose, feed the rose.” Primus, as he was instructing the PC Bugaboo on techniques of meditation. The rose was a kind of mental focus.
“I’m too small for a Darkmantle to want to eat me.” Spoken by the 1’ 8” tall quickling PC Tesla, who was at the time alone and faced with the possibility of having to fight off one or more darkmantles, each several times his size. I think he was trying to convince the DM that this was actually true…
“Well, I’m just saying, maybe we can find you someone else’s penis?” Fastred, trying to comfort the Whammy NPC Chuck Norris. For a couple sessions the DM was forced to run Chuck Norris without his stats on Whammys, and upon finding these notes realized that these creatures were genderless. Thus, Chuck lost his penis. He was quite upset by this event, since he had just recently gotten used to having one.
“If you’re gona save her, save her or else stab her.” Primus, referring to a tiefling NPC the group had recently saved from an elaborate Saw-style deathtrap. The trap was such that the key which could open a critical door was in the tiefling’s stomach, and Primus really wanted to cut it out of her, which is what the trap’s designer had in mind. The rest of the group was trying to get the key out some other way, and Primus was getting impatient.
“This place needs and antidote?! Why are we here?” Spoken by Fastred, who was less than enthusiastic about the nature of the demi-plane the party had been abducted to. The atmosphere of the demi-plane, while Nitrogen Oxygen based, is also toxic to most forms of life such that a creature can only survive there for as many hours as they have points of constitution.
“Ok, anybody wana come stand on this one?” Fastred, referring to a pressure plate he had just depressed; he was worried it might explode (as others in the room had) as soon as his weight shifted on it, and so he wanted someone to come stand on it while he moved to safety. No one volunteered.
(Fastred) “So, there’s no poison here..” (Primus) “How about productivity?” Fastred was supposed to be using his magic to find out information about the party’s surroundings, and was referring to something that either couldn’t possibly be poisoned or if it were it would have no impact on the party whatsoever. Primus was getting sick of waiting.
“Oh look, two assassins and a rogue watching the wizard check the door for traps!” An observation made by Primus (the rogue) as yes, the party wizard was busy checking a potentially dangerous door for traps. The wizard did not possess any skill in finding traps, but nonetheless tried anyway.
“It’s gona fuck me, it’s gona make a new hole to do it in.” Fastred making a pessimistic comment. It should be mentioned that he was in a gigantic death-trap-laden chamber at the time which was quite capable of making new holes in Fastred.
“Are you a threat? If you are we’re going to throw you off the balcony.” Fastred speaking to the PC Tesla, a quickling wizard. Tesla had appeared in the same wild surge event which conjured a group of plane traveling kidnappers that abducted the party, and Fastred was either being rude or trying to decide if Tesla was one of his enemies. Likely, he was being rude.
“Hey, can you toss me up Chuck?” “You throw him up.” In the context of this exchange, Chuck refers to Chuck Norris, an NPC whammy (think blue gremlin with a personal genre) who was created by Fastred the purling. Fastred had just leaped out of a bone-filled pit and was standing on the rim, asking for someone to help his “familiar” get out.
“This could be the first time an item was identified by rubbing it on a cat.” Spoken by the DM. The PC Bugaboo, a hengeyokai house cat, is able to use a limited form of telepathic transmission with sentient beings who pet him. In this case, an item was rubbed on his fur so that he could attempt to communicate with it, and it actually worked.
“What are we going to do with a dress!? There’s nothing to do but die in a dress!” Fastred, after planeshifting and landing in the bottom of a strange parabolic chamber partially filled with faunal remains and decaying items. The party had found an elegant set of “fairy princess” clothing adorning one of the corpses in the area, and apparently this did not please the annoyed purling wild mage.
“There’s actually a muscle you have, that makes it go up and down.” Spoken by me, the DM to Bugaboo’s player. Bugaboo is a hengeyokai house cat who, upon entering an unusual pocket dimension noticed that he had mutated a bit; a cat-fish spine had grown on his back, which could be moved up and down with said muscle. No reference to any PC muscle was intended.
“I didn’t attack you, I exploded.” The context of this line escapes me: it was either spoken by Fastred or Vulpecula, and I think it refers to an explosion of wild magical energy which emanated from one of them.
“Not that kind of immortality, the other kind of immortality!” Vulpecula, likely out of character, describing to another player that while her character does not age she does not possess any Highlander-like powers.
“Hey, three eyes! Are there often little girls in your fireplaces?!” Spoken by Vulpecula shortly after her arrival in Whoopasia, immediately after wandering into an unused chamber in the Whoopasian Inn and noticing the ghost of a young girl (perhaps Rascarr’s old spirit guide) slipping into the back wall of a walk-in fireplace where a permanent and infrequently used portal rests. No one really took this too seriously. “Three eyes” refers to Fastred, a purling wild mage who developed a third eye after one of his surge events.
“Maybe sometime I’ll take you outside the city limits, and show you something else..” Spoken by the purling wild mage Fastred to the NPC Maramell in the Whoopasian Dining Hall. Maramell, an unusual character possessing sorcerer-like innate spell abilities but with no limit in how many “times per day” she can use her spells, can often learn a new spell just by watching it being cast. She was trying to get Fastred to show her some wild magic, which her first adventuring group would never, ever, never ever ever let her see for their own safety. Fastred was all too willing, and tried to teach her Sceptar’s reckless dweomer, but she failed to pick up on it. The surge energy originally demolished the dining hall by bringing down the walls and ceiling, but Fastred managed to recover and thus avoid any “official entanglements.” The “something else” he was going to show her was more wild magic – there was no sexual intent.
“Wouldn’t it be like Rama Lama Squirrel Dong?” “Dice the fuck out of her!” Comment made by Vulpecula’s player, the context is somewhat elusive but it was made after something I, the DM said. Apparently it was a diceworthy comment.
“Chuck Norris needs to get off the fucking table.” Corthal, in full Chaotic good mode, imposing his will on a gremlin-like creature (species = “Whammy”) named after the ultimate master of spin kicking deathblows. At the time, Chuck was on the Whoopasian dining hall table causing trouble, and Corthal can’t have that level of chaos in his presence.
“We no longer have any active death knights in town…” Spoken by Corthal (in a reassuring tone) after a piñata named “Hates the Death Knight” bragged to a group of new Whoopasian citizens that he was especially good at dispatching Death Knights. Corthal’s statement is true, since one resident death knight was polymorphed back into a human (of slightly smaller stature) and another pseudo-death-knight was turned lawful good by a magical ring the Whoopasian counsel keeps just in case people of “undesirable alignment” show up in town.
“Oh Jesus…or whatever I would have said.” Corthal’s player, mostly out of character, upon seeing high beam head lights emit from Primus’ eyes. The effect is delivered by touch from “Mr. Shine,” a GoBot-like wild magical construct composed of auto parts who guards the Whoopasian dining hall.
“Thunder rolls from all over the place, echoing around”, “Aside from being coated in metal armor, that’s not much of a problem.” The first part was spoken by me as DM, the second part by Corthal, who was about to try and cross open, flat desert in the rain, during a thunderstorm, after being battered and wounded in the most difficult fight the Whoopasians have seen yet. Corthal wears magical chainmail, and an interesting discussion of the conductive properties of the house rules fantasy metal terrestrium ensued.
“If it feels like you’re gona get fucked up again, don’t do it.” Arineon talking to Kincade, who was about to strike a super-magical sarcophagus with something. Just prior, Kincade experienced some sort of magical effect that required he make a saving throw, but he couldn’t tell what the source was.
“Whoopasians don’t walk.” So true, so true. Most of them tend to fly, dimensionally travel, and so forth. Most of the characters have never ridden a horse in-game. This quote was just too appropriate.
“Can’t we just give him a shot in the ass to shut him up?” Ophi, speaking about the anthropomorphic rabbit Samuel Bitters, who she found annoying. I think she meant give him a shot as in needle…?
“Shouldn’t it be something like, when you’ve gone rabbit it becomes a habit?” Corthal, responding to Samuel Bitters’ comment to Antigone “Once you’ve gone rabbit you never go back.” In the scene Samuel, an anthropomorphic rabbit, was for some totally unknown reason hitting on Antigone, a female Thurgrid (think troll).
“I found a crack, where my right angle worked.” Spoken by Primus Mnesthus the purling fighter/psionicist/thief, after escaping from “The Pyramid Maze.” The situation for the comment was set up by Corthal, who dispelled a wall of force and flooded the lower areas of the temple of Ammit. In one of the flooded rooms there rested an oil basin full of an enchanted oil that would teleport anyone touching it d1000 feet above the nearest pyramid. Primus encountered this oil and was teleported, but just before hitting the top of the pyramid he used his ectoplasmic form power and passed into the structure, thereby getting sucked into a magical maze within. Once inside the purling tried to use his dimension walk power to escape, partially described in the rules as somehow involving right angles in a curious way that kind of stuck. Initially, I as DM ruled the power wouldn’t function in the maze due to some existing enchantments, but realizing how much of a pain in the ass this would become I decided to let the power work. Hence, Primus found a crack where his power, his right angle worked.
(Ophi): “Shut up Corthal!”, (DM): “Do you really say that?”, (Ophi) “…No…” I recorded this quote because it was typically Ophi, forever being restrained by Corthal the party schoolmarm. If she had said that he might have responded with his usual punishment of “arrow + patella = pain.”
“Alright, alright that is a dining knife, if you were hit with it, it would, should do…likely break.” Spoken by the late Len Arom, context unknown. I can’t even say why I thought it was funny…
“Maybe if you lean back and let a river flow from your…stuff.” The late Len Arom, speaking to Kincae the jedi turtle. They party had just seen a mural in the temple of Ammit that showed a depiction of the goddess with a river flowing from her genitals, and Len thought it might be a clue for what the party should do next.
“It would be tragic if you lost both your characters to this water – oh man!” Antigone’s player, speaking to Kincade’s player. Earlier in the campaign both players had lost characters in a particularly nasty water-based trap located in the temple of Ammit, and as this quote was spoken, Kincade was about to be killed by the same basic water after a blunder by Corthal. Antigone was safe and dry.
“Don’t grab that beam of energy in front of the statue.”, “Well no shit.”, “I don’t generally grab beams of energy.” I’m fucking crying with laughter as I write this. The party was in the temple of Ammit at the time, and Kincade had just returned from object reading some of the temple features down beyond a water feature when he told the party the first part of the quote. As was usual that session, no one listened to Kincade.
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incinerate me.” Spoken by Ophi, who at the time was under a wild magical curse that caused her to ignite for d10+2 damage whenever she would tell a lie. Corthal had just asked her a direct question, and to answer it honestly was out of the question, becasue there would be consequences. Telling a lie was right out as well, since she would catch fire and she was already wounded.
“Pretty soon this is going to degrade into polyhedral dodge ball…” DM? Or perhaps Asoka referring to the unusual number of dice! events in the game and my recent ruling that if a player throws a dice at another player and that player catches said die, the throwing player is “out” (whatever that means).
“So, can I fuck with that chest over there?” Rascarr, referring to an unopened, stone-shaped hope chest that the NPC Menkek had previously guarded with a powerful slay living spell. The other Whoopasians told him not to, and he took their advise.
“I don’t think they were underwater specters.” The NPC imp, pre-disintegration, commenting on someone’s idea that the undead they just fought were a special, aquatic variety of specter?
“Pretty soon we will be able to get XP at the end of each session. We’ll be safe no matter where we are!” Oh hubris! Spoken by one of the Whoopasians who was in marvel of their character’s powers and hit points. Typically I as DM “only give XP when it is safe,” meaning I only award experience points when characters are resting in a safe place.
“The fucking rabbit called me a moron!” Spoken by Rascarr, who during that particular session was the brunt of many verbal assaults by the NPC Samuel Bitters, a large, British anthropomorphic rabbit with an attitude.
“You’re a spider, and you say the statue is weird?”, “Pot, this is kettle, you’re a dinosaur.” Ophi, the humanoid anklosauroid anti-paladin stated the exchange with a crack at Asoka’s imp familiar, who at the time was in spider form commenting on how strange a giant talking Arineon statue was. Asoka set Ophi straight with his response.
“I’m only hit by silver or better shoes.” Rascarr I think, but I can’t recall the context.
“I think we need walls before we de-road the river.” Unknown player but definitely a resident Whoopasian counsel member, as the group was deciding what to do next. One option was to dispel or remove in some way a Roman road which Arineon’s wild magic placed on a nearby river. Another option was to continue efforts to fortify the town they were building.
“So, the point of the story is, drugs kill.” Corthal, after recanting the final moments of the drug psion PC Gunther, who died in a wild magically arranged battle between the party and a futuristic urban combat robot. Leading up to the fight, Gunther had been dispossessed by a rogue displacer beast and refused the “generous” Whoopasian gesture of a dress to cover himself with. As the heavy laser of the robot targeted Gunther, he was naked and quite defenseless, with an armor class exceeding his current hit points (AC 10, HP 8). The robot’s hit roll (based on a 2E D&D thaco of -1) hit by more than 20 including bonuses and cut poor Gunther in half with a laser that simultaneously incinerated him.
“Pouring acid down your throat will only shorten your life.”, “That’s what they told me in school.” Corthal made the first comment after the author of the second mentioned he needed to “eat some acid” in order to gain mind powers. This character, a “drug psion” was referring to some sort of fantasy LSD, and Corthal’s player was role-playing his character’s ignorance of such things.
“One cat giveth what the other cat taketh away.” Corthal, commenting on recent events. The PC Gunther S Thompson, a “Drug Psion,” had entered the forest surrounding whoopasia and encountered a displacer beast (a puma-like creature with tentacles and six legs that warps light around its body) who beat him up and took all of his clothing and items (rumor has it that the beast was an illusion cast by a greedy leprechaun). Later, Rascarr, a humanoid cat priest, healed the psion, thus giving what the other cat took away – hit points.
“You want to hide the bodies? Just put them in your pocket.” Corthal speaking after a confrontation with a group of river fairies. The tiny creatures attacked the group because the group, or rather their wild magic, or rather Arineon’s wild magic had recently covered the fairy’s river over with a supernaturally durable Roman road. One of the PCs present suggested that they should hide the bodies just in case more local creatures would seek revenge…
“Well, there goes that dramatic fight at the end of the game session…” Spoken by me, the DM, in response to Rascarr’s boomerang critical hit and sudden decapitation of a large blue dragon that was about to be a significant opponent. Thanks a lot Rascarr, its not like I worked on that adversary or anything…
“That was the best natural one I ever saw!” Unknown player commenting on the event mentioned in the next quote above. A medium adult blue dragon was about to swoop down and attack the party with its breath weapon when Rascarr reacted supernaturally fast: he throws his Krull-style magical boomerang at the dragon, and rolls a natural 1, which is potentially a critical fumble. Rascarr’s player can’t accept the result, and spends a fate point to re-roll the attack, and gets a roll that critically hits the dragon. Since the boomerang is a vorpral weapon (a D&D item originating in Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, see http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/jabber/jabberwocky.html ), the dragon then, after failing a saving throw, loses its head anime style. I described the scene as a DM such that the boomerang flew wildly off target initially, then as Rascarr realized his error his force of will made the weapon fly back on target at the dragon. This was of course to the dragon’s horror, and someone made a side enactment about how distressing it would be to be playing that dragon at the time: The boomerang does what?!
“We don’t ever know what anything does.” Arineon, answering the question “What does that (possibly magical) item do?”
“He’s scarab food.” Arineon, referring to something that either bit it or was about to…the party was at the time on “The desert plane” (also called the desert realm) so I suppose that’s why I recorded the quote.
“Wow, we gota start playing soon before I waste my die rolls.” Rascarr’s player out of character, referring to a streak of good rolls he was making on the side while he was “warming up” his dice.
“Cool, not everyone has to take the TWA…Trans Whoopasian Arineon.” This is Arineon, speaking to a character that does not want to be flown by him to another location. These sorts of continuity breaches are usually overlooked in the shared fantasy so long as they are funny.
“Lets run back to Whoopasia for some gems, this is very simple”, “It could be very simple, let’s just shoot em’!” As this exchange occurs, the party is trying to figure out what to do about a pair of dragons who are demanding compensation from the party. Asoka has a wild magical “curse” in which his left handed touch polymorphs gems of any type into golden disks d4 feet in diameter, and he wants to simply go the few miles back and get some gems. Rascarr has other ideas about how to deal with the dragons…
“What if the world’s going to blow up in like ten minutes, we’d be pretty fucked wouldn’t we?” Unknown player, likely Asoka, referring to the possibility that the desert realm’s star could go nova; if it did (which was certainly possible at the time), the party would not all be able to get back to their dimensional gateway (called “The golden doors”) in time to avoid the destruction of the planet.
“A big fuck-all meteor hit me, and wow, magic. I created it, you wouldn’t know anything about it…I didn’t always have horns, you see they come from wisdom. I created magic, and the word magic – it was the sound of the star and the meteor, it said magic…” Arineon the chaotic neutral “Pinball Wizard” monologing on the topic of how he created magic at the dawn of time, a memory inspired by a wild surge.
“I haven’t eaten a child since I’ve been here.” Ophi, defending her shining and perfect record of non-child consumption in Whoopasia. The party knew that she had been trained as an anti-paladin and that during this training her people would hunt, target practice, and other wise torture and consume small, cute human children (her people were all anthropomorphic, sadistic dinosaurs). Someone pointed this out during an in-game counsel meeting, and Ophi responded.
“Honestly, I want to watch them to see what kinds of dorks we look like…” Rascarr’s player, referring to the video tapes I was collecting during my project’s fieldwork.
“I wonder what would happen if we were to say what the fuck in here?” Rascarr, referring to the chamber of a wild magically generated “Tree of Life” that can answer any question correctly, but any one person can only ask once. The tree was known for being semi-malicious, eagerly answering questions spoken in its presence that were not necessarily put to it, such as “I wonder what question we should ask it?” or “Who should ask first?” Entire game sessions were spent in the chamber of the tree, or on players trying to decide what exactly to ask. These became known as “Tree Sessions.”
“You lose Mike.” Unknown player, likely Corthal, commenting on my dejection, my utter failure as DM, that Arineon had 211 hit points (an ungodly or rather godly number by the way). This is of course a play on the traditional and playful role of “mock DM – player tension.”
“Oh, did we mention our fight with a Goddess?” Unknown player, recapping and getting either Arineon or Rascarr up to date on a recent event. The goddess being referred to was summoned inadvertently by Zagyg-Fizzber or his pinata familiar, and embarked on a personal quest to dominate “The desert realm.” The Whoopasians didn’t actually fight her, they battled some of her minions.
“I’ve been busy.”, “Doing what, wasting your last life?” Rascarr was busy, his player having recently been playing Kincade. Ophi asked the second question, and in so doing was making fun of the fact that Rascarr (a humanoid cat) had died something like 8 times before.
“When a red headed woman appears during a battle there’s no time to think, you just stab, stab, stab.” Ophi, referring to an actual and rare instance where her evil could shine. During a battle in the abyss, during one of Arineon’s wild surge cascades, Moly Ringwald materialized in full “1980’s mall” attire near Ophi. Ever the welcome wagon, Ophi promptly stabbed the visitor in the head with her super-magical +4 spear of doom, thus negating all potential Whoopasian knowledge of 1980’s Earth.
“We killed some British.”, “What’s a British?”, “They’re red.”, “They’re red?!” A conversation between Ophi (the first speaker) and Rascarr. Ophi was describing an extra-planar jaunt the Whoopasians took into another dimension where they rescued some NPCs from an alternate-Earth timeline, British New World, palisade fortress. Ophi is often quite vague, except when dealing with gory details.
“I didn’t expect you guys to walk up like the wild bunch..” Me, as DM, referring to a scene where the party noticed some creatures mulling about the front of “their” pyramid and they calmly walked over to the intruders in a group as if it were a scene from a Western (or perhaps Reservoir Dogs).
“When you least expect it someone’s gona lick you from behind.” Kleche Toan referring to Rascarr’s “magically delicious” Corthal hunt through the forest; the group was discussing it at the time the comment to the left was made.
“Great, this guys attacking me with a flashlight…what’s a flashlight?” Corthal’s player, in mid side enactment, taking the role of one of Whoopasia’s enemies fighting Kincade, a jedi with, yes, a lightsaber.
“For once our lets go on a mission and be back before lunch plan worked.” Corthal, referring to the practice of the Whoopasians to plan their day as follows: “first, go to the abyss and destroy demonic overlord X, return for breakfast, then go to the plateau and deal with all the undead, return for lunch…
“Can I ride you?”, “No, you have a reputation.” I can’t recall the exact situation of this quote, but the character with the reputation was likely Kincade.
“We don’t make signs, man.” The NPC and Whoopasian counsel member Dling, responding to Asoka’s question “Why don’t you people put up signs to protect people from these sorts of dangers?!” The dangers he was referring to all existed in the town the party was building, and included such things as a “Barn troll” (actually a Vaporighu from Gehenna) “that lives in the stables”, and a wild magically charged fountain in front of the dining hall “that by the way no one is supposed to drink from.”
“Could we evacuate the Desert Realm?” Unknown player, referring to the possibility that Nemaku might acquire the sacred canopic jars of Tetsab and open them, thus annihilating the planet everyone refers to as “the desert realm” by causing its star to go nova. This never happened, but it wasn’t for Nemaku’s lack of trying. I recorded the quote because I thought it was funny that one of the players suggested the “evacuate the entire planet by using the party’s dimensional gateway” option instead of the “defeat Nemaku” option, which was far easier.
“He hates druids and all forests, since when?”, “Since hell.” The first statement was made by Carnac, a high level druid. He refers to Arineon, who had become cursed by his own wild magic to hate druids, nature, and all “tree-huggers.” This curse occurred during a last ditch wild surge cascade event in a layer of the abyss. Hence Corthal’s hell comment.
“What makes you think this is an adventure?! We live here.” Unknown player, likely Corthal playfully interpreting an out of game statement as an in-game speech act.
“Actually, if he’s going out into the forest with a torch, we may all become enlightened.” Unknown player making a diceable offence and referring to Arineon’s wild-magically inspired goal of burning down all the local forests as a first step toward his vision of a “wood-trimmed Whoopasia.”
“It’s not diceable, that was funny!” Kincade’s player, speaking to another player who (with dice in hand ready to fire) just asked why the DM didn’t call dice! In our game sessions, whenever the DM points at a player and says “Dice!” the first other player who throws a dice at the target gains a minor amount of experience points. DMs will dice players for saying “diceable offenses,” which include bad puns or plays on words, silly statements, and so on. A classic example of a diceable offense was when a player asked the DM, who was describing a grape orchard, “Are they angry grapes?” (taking cover), “Why?” the DM asked. “Because then they would be grapes of wrath!” This was highly diceable, and the resulting blizzard of dice fire nearly ended the player’s life. DMs have been known to also dice players for challenging his or her authority.
“He can sheathe it up his ass like the other piñata did..” Unknown player referring to Zagyg-fizzber’s piñata familiar who could potentially store swords anywhere in his body since he was immune to normal weapons. During a side enactment it was suggested by Zagyg-fizzber’s player that he could store his sword such that the hilt would protrude from his familiar’s backside.
“Mountain gorillas are your specialty?!” Kincade, commenting on the Druid Carnac’s claim that “gorillas are my specialty.” As the druid was 10th level he was able to shapechange into a variety of animals, including gorillas.
“They’re pretty susceptible to arrows to the back of the head.” Corthal’s player, commenting on the not-so invincible nature of dragons. This character, in a previous game session, critically hit a palladium system RIFTs dragon (Horned) in the back of the head and killed it (thereby bypassing its thousands of hit points).
“Our mission has come to an abrupt halt due to a chipmunk.” Unknown player commenting on the fact that the party (once again) diverted from the “actual adventure,” this time to calm, subdue, and return a chipmunk carefully to its home plane.
“If we could refrain from debates with piñatas…” Asoka, trying to steer the party’s attention away from an animate piñata (the result of wild magic).
“Maybe he’s a member of the reformed church of Barracus.” Asoka’s player (half in and out of character) commenting on the character Soultourous, a skeletal anti-paladin follower of the campaign-specific (vile) God Barracus, who generally speaking does not play well with others. The anti-paladin was essentially on trial for his beliefs and was soon to undergo mandatory alignment change via a cursed ring kept by the local PC-ran government. Asoka, a character concerned with liberty and personal freedoms, was trying to ensure Soultourous received a fair trial. This didn’t happen.
“You could lift up his cloak and see what he’s got.” DM (me), not thinking of the possibilities of the utterance. The Kender’s player had asked me what items the PC Sanshin was carrying, and I told him he couldn’t tell, but…
“Its not worth the experience…sorry.” Zagyg-Fizzber’s player, out of character, commenting on the DM’s suggestion that he actually sing the sing his bard was preparing.
“So if you fuck up we’re taking your shin bones!” The character Sanshin warning the character Soultourous (a skeleton who likes to cause trouble) not to offend a group of Thune (Desert of Desolation series module derived) NPCs the party had recently formed a truce with.
“Have you ever met a flying goat before?” – “Sort of, I met a flying sheep man once.” The first part refers to the imp familiar of the character Asoka, who never appears in his true form but always in goat form to conceal his true nature. Whenever he flies he first becomes invisible, and the party had became aware that “the goat” could fly. The second part was delivered by Sanshin, who had met a PC named Arineon who was a hengeyokai ram.
“This is important to me, I need to get my shit paper back!” The Kender wild mage Rumplefizzber, referring to his spell book which a group of Thune NPCs had kept after releasing the kender from their custody. The Thune leader told Rumplefizzber that if he didn’t return with the other PCs in a given amount of time, he would give the pages of the Kender’s spell book out to his men as toilet paper. The PCs, who not only never took the Kender seriously but this time were wild-magically influenced not to take him seriously, decided that the Kender was never in fact a prisoner but had instead suffered from heat stroke. Thus, they were not motivated to help the Kender get his book back by visiting the Thunes.
“Am I an infrared laser-like thing?” This quote was delivered by the character Tamara, a mutant porcupine duelist who (as a mutational quirk) radiated something like 140 degrees of heat.
“No looting, no penetration, nothing bad…” The character Soultourous commenting on the ridiculous (from his perspective) rules of the Thunes to another PC.
“I’m gona go back, I can’t have them shitting on my spellbook.” Rumplefizzber, deciding to leave the party (who were not taking him seriously) in order to save his tome…
“I don’t suppose I can telepathically…feel him up?” The player of the character Tamara, (out of character) speaking to the DM, inquiring about the utility of her character’s psionics, accidentally in a sexual sense.
“You’ll be able to tell if it possesses me because I will become less evil.” Soultourous, speaking about the pseudo-demigod antagonist Nemaku, who actually was less evil than he was and was thought to be able to possess characters in the game.
“It’s sad when you can defeat someone by turning them into a god.” This refers to a battle scene in which the Kender wild mage Rumplefizzber lost control of his magic and accidentally transformed an undead opponent into a demigod. As it turned out, all divine figures on that plane of existence were long since destroyed by an ancient spell effect which sucked them into the cosmos – as soon as the opponent transformed he was ripped off the planet to his doom!
“You are one of he ones who has blood right?” Unknown PC (looking for some familiarity and normalcy) commenting on the fact that Soultourous, a skeleton PC, had none.
“I am a supreme ember dwarf!” Asoka, an ember dwarvish bard, joking about his status. The humor of this quote escapes me now, but at the time it was damn funny.
“I’m pretty warm, do you like me?” Tamara (who was cursed to radiate a 140 degree body heat) speaking to Asoka, an ember dwarf (campaign specific species) who prefers hot surroundings as a consequence of his upbringing near lava flows. Asoka had been complaining about cold people…
“The second round of pain causes you 10 points of healing.” DM (me) to the character Soultourous, who as a consequence of his skeletal “creation” at the hands of the wicked Barracus priests actually heals damage when he feels magically induced pain. This was so ironic I had to record it; a usual DM idiom goes like this – “you take X Points of damage from the bad thing,” and I guess it was the modification of the idiom that was most humorous. Soultourous was walking into a magical pain field he discovered to heal his wounds when the quote erupted.
“Look, no plans using bodies – you’re too body-centric.” Sanshin to the anti-paladin Soultourous, who kept suggesting the party use corpses as tools to accomplish tasks at hand, such as anchoring grappling hooks.
“No, fireballs are huge. Haven’t you ever been hit by a fireball?” Unknown player (perhaps bending the separation between in and out of game), commenting on a fire-based spell effect that was witnessed. The humor in this, for me, derived from the “stereotypical D&D” nature of the comment.
“So here is a perfectly bad dagger, accept it and lets go on…” Sanshin speaking to Soultourous. As I recall, Sanshin was trying to keep Soultoruous from wasting time (in his opinion) looting corpses and arguing over who got what.
“I’ve seen sheep before…sailed with a sheep before.” Sanshin, referring to a wild-magically derived sentient sheep who he actually did sail with at one point.
“You can put your skin back on if you want.” A PC talking to Soultourous the skeletal anti-paladin (who was able to project a “façade” of real flesh over his bones – including hair). The party had found the illusion grossly deceptive and were just then willing to consider letting him “put his skin on” in their presence.
“Your great god Asstoss is listening…” The character Vingwee speaking to Soultourous and making fun of his evil god.
“If you’re going to slit my throat or kiss me you’re gona have to build a step stool!” Vingwee, making fun of Myra, a gnome he was having a confrontation with.
“If you’re quiet, you…can eat them…all.” A mimic NPC ominously describing his basic outlook on life in the halls of Desdandexfalarexpandantillious (that’s another story) to the PC Sanshin.
“We’re in hell, there’s no reason for politeness…Mr. Devilman, could you please send…” The character Arineon, speaking to the party. The group had in fact voluntarily journeyed to the abyss.
“Curiosity brought you to hell, interesting.” Unknown player (Carnac the druid?), subtly making fun of the party’s decision to teach the ruler of the abyss a lesson…
“Uh oh, you just put a monkey wrench in his culture…” Arineon’s player, commenting out of character on the decision of a PC to not abide by the speaking aesthetics (which involve long-winded and constant assertions that the conversation is actually happening and the speakers are all real) of a new and alien PC Corthal’s player names “Melonramus.”
“Because you have neither the scars nor the frosting to survive the snow.” Unknown player commenting on the acidic blowing snow of the abyss that another PC should not enter.
“Can I please stab her in the head now?” The violent and less than moral character Ophi who was asking permission to slay a new character she encountered. Permission was not given. Ophi’s violent tendencies with her spear is a part of this group’s ongoing idioculture.
“I prefer to kill really small, defenseless animals.” Ophi describing her various hobbies and why she would rather not kill a party member.
“Mud, blood, and mead. Interesting.” Unknown player referring to the contents of a magical pool, which from the perspective of various character alignments seemed to consist of one of the three.
“Let’s go see what it does, I still got a fate point!” An out of character comment from Rascar’s player. Fate points are used in my campaigns as kind of like a “last resort” point, so long as a character has one they know they can get out of one situation. They are precious and difficult to acquire.
“So what’s this god want?” – “Monkey heads.” The question as posed by Corthal, who was trying to figure out why Arineon had just converted to Zagyg (see http://amaranthys.com/RPG/add/ZAGYG’S%20DECK.htm for the wild surge table that this word comes from). The reply stems from the god’s first commandment to Arineon, which was to sacrifice the heads of a group of Su Monsters (who look like monkeys) the party was fighting.
“That thing told you to burn the heads, and you did!?” Corthal to Arineon, in the same conversation as the quote above. That thing turned out to be a Zagyg action figure, which Arineon was using as his new holy symbol. This figure derived from the aforementioned wild surge chart.
“I got the star and the monkey sword.” Arineon, referring to the Star of Mo Pelar magical item and a weapon he looted from the Su Monster encounter.
“I really don’t appreciate being killed by a super bouncy ball.” Kleche Toan’s player, commenting out of character, after Kleche was hit on the head by a 4’ diameter wild-magically-derived super bouncy ball which had (prior to an alternate reality spell) broken his neck.
“Hey, has my aardvark wisdom been wrong? Then shut the fuck up!” Arineon, referring to an aardvark summoned through his wild magic which was supernaturally knowledgeable. The information he gained from the aardvark was accurate, but that it came from an aardvark was a bit strange from the perspective of the other players.
“I’m trying to fuck him, not kill him!” Kincade’s player speaking to Corthal’s player ooc. Kincade had flipped a wild-magically-derived enchanted coin which caused a wild surge (as there was an active wild magic zone in the area) which made his character supernaturally horny. Moments prior, the character Aigaion had also flipped the same kind of coin and generated a wild surge. The coin bestowed the stat “Ace Venturaness – 20” to Aigaion and the surge destroyed all his clothing and armor. Acting in character, Aigaion started shaking his ass and dancing away, and Kincade jumped on him. Corthal had shot Kincade with a double arrow shot to stop him prior to the quote.
“Well, I guess it would be a quarter action…” DM (me) responding to a player inquiry as to how many magical coins could be pulled out of a bag and flipped each round. I was oblivious to the pun, which doubled the quote’s humor factor.
“Another poor creature bound for the Astral plane.” Corthal, referring to an investigative process of Arineon’s where he would create a dimension door and send a magically summoned sand lion through it. The goal was to find an underground area by placing a dimension door somewhere below – just prior to the quote the last dimension door opened up into solid earth and ejected the lion into the Astral plane.
“Never underestimate my power.” Kincade, who had just used his character’s psionics to see an invisible adversary. He was the only one who could see the creature, and was responding to PC criticism.
“She was Christina, she came from the land of Chuchimumgabo.” Arineon, speaking in character and being weird but I can’t recall the exact context.
“We’re a whoopacracy.” Arineon, describing the political structure of the PC founded city state [?] of Whoopasia.
“At least my horns are real.” Arineon, responding to Kincade’s quote below. Arineon, a hengeyokai ram, has a large set of horns (that were enlarged due to several wild surges) while Kincade, a mutant anthropomorphic turtle, has none. However, in a previous adventure the characters held a meeting in a dreamscape created by a Whoopasian telepath and each PC appeared in the dream according to their hopes and desires. Kincade, being a lawful evil Jedi, appeared like a cross between Darth Maul and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and thus had horns while in the dream.
“Ok horned hero, shut your pie hole!!” Kincade, yelling in character at Arineon; horned hero was a name given to Arineon by a group of summoned gypsy NPCs – they constructed a hall in his honor called The Hall of the Horned Hero. The moment of this quote was particularly funny given the massive power differential between Kincade and Arineon (who was higher level and party leader).
“If its covered in black shit we aren’t going in there.” The character Rascarr, referring to a hypothetical situation. The DM had over-narrated the party too far forward into unknown territory, and the player wanted to make sure the area was actually safe.
“You fear the squirrels are after your nuts is what I think.” Unknown player, referring to Rascarr’s irrational and wild magically induced fear of small furry animals. Of course, Rascarr was a purling, a campaign-specific bipedal feline.
“Squirrel Master T.” Another reference to Rascarr’s fear of small animals, but I am not sure of the context.
“Ok, now that everyone knows we’re here…” Once again, the party fails to employ adequate stealth on a covert mission. Specifically, the characters were laughing about squirrels while invisible and moving into position.
“Want me to hold your hand evil one?” Arineon making fun of Ophi, an anti-paladin, who was seemingly afraid to be carried into position by Arineon, who was flying party members (who were invisible) down into a canyon for a sneak attack.
“Well if a chipmunk is evil I’m fuckin nuts!” Arineon making fun of Rascarr’s role-played (psychotic) assertion that small animals like squirrels are all evil and should be avoided.
“Stop talking about squirrels and get to the battle plan fuck faces!” Arineon, referring to the fact that the party’s cover was about to be blown due to an ongoing laugh/discussion fest on the topic of Rascarr’s small animal fear.
“It’s a tremorillian.” I have absolutely no fucking clue on this one.
“Welcome grandpa!” Rascarr, sarcastically welcoming the character Kleshe Toan. Both characters were purlings and this lead to a kind of purling rivalry that is still continuing. Kleshe had previously been hit by an aging wild magical curse and thus became, forevermore, grandpa due to Rascarr.
“Its like suffocation underwater.” Unknown player, commenting on the entry-sequence for the new character Aigaion the sea paladin of the campaign specific deity Debreem (explained below).
“He may be fake but he very much exists.” Aigaion, replying to Kincade’s argument that Gods do not actually exist and referring to his deity Debreem.
“I was drowned, which is odd for me.” Aigaion referring to his entry sequence. In the opening sequence of the game session, Aigaion was lured out to sea by Debreem, who then opened up a rift and sent him to the plane the adventure was on. As is Debreem’s nature, he tested the paladin by making him think he had drowned in the process. The quotation refers to one of Aigaion’s paladin abilities that helps him (usually) avoid drowning.
“Great, its aqua Moulder.” Kleche Toan, commenting on the investigative tendencies of the sea paladin.
“Do you speak shortsword?” Arineon, who had just entered a room to find his semi-familiar (named Mo Mad Beta B Arineon) engaged in a fight with a new player character named Powder. While powder didn’t speak any of Arineon’s languages, the horned hero managed to find a common enough method of communication. Microseconds after uttering the quote he cut off Powder’s right handed fingers (raised up in an “I surrender, I don’t understand you” gesture) and then finished him off with the next short sword attack, completing his language lesson.
“Is Bacolith really that important?” Corthal, speaking in character to Arineon. The party had ventured a long way to rescue Bacolith the everchanging and was perched at the edge of a mysterious portal they knew Bacolith had been taken into. Arineon was trying to convince Corthal to jump in with him, but Corthal refused, uttering this quote.
“At least my woman works at Hooters!” Arineon’s player mostly out of character, referring to his PC’s in-game companion who was formerly an owl but who was polymorphed into a half elven mystic.
“I fucked a bird too – ya!” Corthal, referring to his sexual encounter with a bird who was polymorphed into a half elf. Due to an Arineon-generated wild surge, a group of forest animals – mostly birds – were polymorphed into humanoids and sent off to the plane the party was on.
“That one goes in the record books – the first time a dragon has eaten a chocolate deer, perhaps ever in any RPG…” DM (me) commenting on an in-game event where a wild surge transmutes all deer within a certain gigantic radius into chocolate versions of themselves, and a PC dragon (Bacolith) ate one.
“So, it looks like we’re down to the kill Bacolith plan.” Corthal, referring to the worst of the string of ideas that party was coming up with as a means to remove a curse on Bacolith. Much to Bacolith’s dismay the party tuned to discussing the possibility of skinning Bacolith alive repeatedly to harvest dragon scales, since “he would just regenerate back and be fine.”
“The ram general is being really patient with those two dragons…” A fairy NPC, referring to the conversation described in the next quote explanation she was watching from Corthal’s shoulder. All the local Whoopasian faeries refer to Arineon as the ram general, due to Arineon’s first discussions with the ever-annoying river faeries (in which he claimed to be a general looking to fight the Satyrs of the tower nearby…another story in itself).
“Listen, if either of you two mother fuckers even consider screwing with me I will make you wish you were never fucking hatched, I will beat you the fuck down where you stand, got it!?” Arineon, standing in front of two old and fairly powerful bronze dragons, the good and chaotic versions of the PC Bacolith (the character was split via wild magic into two duplicates of himself, one with one alignment component, one with the other). The dragons were acting as if they might attack Arineon, and he felt the need to put them in their place. Actually, had the dragons attacked, they might have defeated Arineon with combined breath weapon effects, but Corthal was nearby and his bow would have devastated the dragons, even from a distance.
“We had an abortion with a character point.” Unknown player comment on an event where the DM was trying to calculate the current population of the PC founded town of Whoopasia and asked each sexually active character to roll a luck stat check to see if any pregnancies had developed. One character missed the roll but spent a character point (they add +1 or +5% to a roll and are earned via good role-playing) to make it!
“Glad I didn’t drop a dresser on him.” Arineon, referring to the NPC leprechaun Dartagneous, who he tried to hit with a chest of drawers by throwing it off a tower at him. At the time, Dartagneous was thought to be a potential threat, but he turned out to be a valuable ally.
“All I know is that he jumped out of a rock and drank from a chalice.” Arineon or Corthal, commenting on the rather vague description given by Bacolith, a PC who was at this point polymorphed into a dog and who witnessed a character leaving Desdan’s halls through the back entrance, which was covered by the illusion of a rock.
“Let me get this straight, you can jump through rocks but not trees?” Comment from an unknown player directed at Bacolith, who was unable to enter Kimbot’s lair through the usual tree-portal method but who had left through the back entrance, which was an illusory rock.
“Pretty much everyone who was nice to me on this plane is dead now.” Corthal, lamenting the death of his companions Rascarr, Kimbot (an NPC), and Bedlam.
“I guess we ram the door down…I am a ram.” Delivered by Arineon, the hengeyokai ram. Context unknown, but really not that significant.
“I don’t want to bite any young girls, I’m a good priest!” Spoken by Bacolith the everchanging to Pepe, the twisted, stuffed skunk, wild magically created and sentient former familiar of the late wild mage Aarwen. Pepe was originally a semi-sentient (how this occurred was a mystery) stuffed animal owned by a small female human – he felt like her protector, he watched over her as she slept, but when he got old and ragged she discarded him in a trash heap. As a result, he held a grudge against all children, but particularly young girls. Just prior to the quote, Pepe had offered to magically transport Bacolith, now in dog form, into Kimbot’s underground lair (since as a dog he couldn’t activate the tree-portal and was stuck outside). Pepe tried to make Bacolith promise to bite every young girl he encountered as payment for the trip, but Bacolith refused.
“I guess I’ll go into an open field with half our treasure and a virgin!” Arineon, semi-frustrated, referring to the danger involved with taking mot of the party’s possessions and an NPC (the virgin) out into the open fields near the party’s newly conquered tower. He was going to use a great deal of wild magic to identify the items and possibly communicate with the NPC, so it was necessary for everyone’s safety that he perform the task far away.
“I think this cage is anchored by some kind of dimensional vortex.” The character Nali, referring to a cage she was trapped in, blending out of game ideas with her role-playing.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know the rules.” by the character Gilgamesh, an evil drow elven priest who had just animated the remains of a dead party member so that it could do his bidding (this was funny as the dead character was Gilgamesh’s player’s last character). The party went into an uproar over this desecration, and in his defense the drow offered the quote to the left.
“The fault lies in the parenting.” An unknown PC, commenting on the ever-increasing insane malevolence of the familiar Pepe, who scarred his master into backing off and not controlling his actions. As Pepe was merely a familiar, all his master needed to do was order him not to do things and he would comply, but the wizard completely forgot this minor detail, and lived in fear of his familiar until he died.
“I’m still stuck on why a magical clown is going to attack us.” Corthal, referring to a mistranslation of an NPC’s description of an undead faerie bard as provided by the Chaos Paladin Bedlam Pandemonious.
“This appears to be a necromancer’s book.” Bedlam the chaos paladin, purposefully misrepresenting a diary he was “translating.”
“Oh, by the way, anthropomorphic mushroom around the back of the house!” Unknown player, nonchalantly (the source of the quote’s humor) referring to a monster in the area.
“humans are kinda pussy.” A comment by Rascarr, an anthropomorphic feline!
“Oh great, little faeries go-me dancing.” Corthal, referring to a momentary sighting of a small faerie creature actually doing that kind of dance who immediately went invisible upon noticing the party. The PCs were heading into potentially hazardous terrain and Corthal had endured quite a bit of oddities whooping his ass in the current adventure, so he was naturally weary of the unusual.
“I think the paladin should go first.” Classic PC comment, made by an unknown player, referring to Bedlam Pandemonious the Chaos paladin.
“I laid my hands upon you, can you not return the favor?” Bedlam, referring to his character’s lay on hands paladin ability, which he just used on a PC. I don’t recall who he was speaking to, but it was funny.
“Mushrooms have swords and are evil? Can anyone give me a straight answer here?!” Either Arineon or Elegyn, who were getting frustrated with the answers the other PCs (they had just met) were giving them. The mushrooms were actually Myconids and were unarmed, but the chaos paladin struck again…
“I am half ram, half man. I am RAM MAN!” Arineon, a hengeyokai ram, describing himself sarcastically to Elegyn, who was making fun of his species. To jump to Arineon’s related Fantasy-World Record, click here.
“weren’t you listening? He is gona cast understand curse on himself.” Corthal, making fun of Rascarr, who was cursed to have to scream out his intended spells and their targets prior to casting his magic. In this case he screams out “I am casting understand curse on myself!” and Bedlam’s player said “What?” in surprise leading up to the quote.
“They’re probably like, damnit, they pissed down our hole again. A perfect example of a side enactment as I have come to label them in the research project. In this case, the party was camping in some ancient halls (the home of the NPC Kimbot, whose name was taken from an X-Files episode) that had a sacrificial pit which was seemingly infinite that the party was using as a urinal. The player who made the quote was toying with the possibility that creatures were living at the bottom of the shaft.
“Your niece, she attacked me and I threw her into the fire.” Rascarr, recounting a vision where his spirit guide, in the form of Corthal’s late niece, moved aggressively toward him and he threw her into a fireplace.
“That chest is just sitting there and you are going to sleep in the hallway?!” Rascarr speaking to Bedlam, who noticed that a chest in the common sleeping area was moving a bit and left to sleep in the hallway outside. This was a good idea, as the cheast was actually a monster known as a Mimic. Rascarr hadn’t noticed the chest’s motion.
“I have a sinking suspicion that it is simply anti-character.” Corthal, referring to a magical ring which appeared when Desdandexfalar was destroyed. The group was discussing what they thought the powers of the ring would turn out to be, and just prior to this quote a PC wondered if the ring had some sort of anti-magical effect.
“Ya but he never got to drink from that Cholera thing.” Unknown player utterance, referring to something in Desdan’s lair (the pool of water? A chalice?) but I can’t recall exactly what.
“I have a wine skin, any chance it will fill with meat?” Rascarr, being silly in character.
“Here comes a fairy photon torpedo.” This refers to the magical projectile attack of the antagonist Desdandexfalarexpandantillious the third, which the DM described as looking like a photon torpedo.
“Why would I eat you?! You must spread the word and the word is Rascarr!” Rascarr responding to a player character’s concerns that he might eat them. At this point he is convinced he is a divine figure and quite insane, but less homicidal than he was a bit earlier in the campaign.
“So, men are from the moon and women are from the stars?” Corthal trying desperately to make sense out of another one of Bedlam’s masterfully misleading translations…
“After the first day he decided I was magically delicious and chased me for miles.” Corthal, describing some of his earlier adventures with Rascarr to Bedlam.
“No sense letting this gnome’s stuff go to waste!” A classic player character move to loot the corpse of a fallen character. As the ideology goes, it is ok to loot corpses in the game since “they aren’t using their stuff anyway.”
“He can talk to me if he truly believes.” Rascarr, in insane deity mode (god of pastry chefs I believe), referring to someone who couldn’t communicate with him but I forget who?
“Deathstarvalkavorkian the III!” A failed and humorous player attempt to recite the name of Desdandexfalarexpandantillious the III, a powerful faerie lord who would grant wishes to those reciting his name and doom to those attempting and failing in this case.
“Dear elves are magically delicious!” Rascarr (out of character somewhat but funny enough to ignore), completely insane after an encounter with a group of vindictive leprechauns, who was chasing his companion Corthal (an elf) through the forest with the intent to kill and eat him.
“Dear elf…gona get ya…run little elfie…” Rascarr, in the same chase scene, racing after Corthal, who at the time was completely outmatched by Rascarr and carried only a small hatchet for chopping wood…
“I feel like I’m in the dilemma Smeagle was in.” Rascarr’s player, commenting on the fact that his character’s erupting psychosis was trying to get him to push Corthal into a lava-filled chasm.
“Fuck an A, more jumping!” Either Corthal or Rascarr, commenting on the fact that, once again, they were jumping off something they probably shouldn’t. This time the jump was into (the illusion of) a lake of lava. The jumping at noon phenomena (described below) became a part of the group’s idioculture.
“And some raccoon tracks with an extra finger, but that’s just more meat I guess…” Corthal, describing some unusual animal tracks to Rascarr.
“Can I hypnotize myself?” Rascarr’s player asking the DM a question. I forget the exact context.
“Did I really just jump off a waterfall? We are probably the stupidest PCs ever.” Corthal’s player, referring to an event where Rascarr jumped off a 200 foot plus waterfall and convinced him to do the same seconds later, “because it is noon!” the only reason given. The supposed spirit guide of Rascarr had lead the characters up to the top of the waterfall and had told Rascarr that a portal would open at the bottom exactly at noon and that they all had to jump – he trusted the spirit and leaped. After both PCs had jumped I told them (jokingly) that their characters died on impact (actually the spirit was telling the truth) and the quote to the left resulted.
“Hey you, roots are moving up here!” Corthal to Rascarr, referring to a supernatural/psychological effect where tree roots were seemingly writhing.
“Does it matter? You have asked and I will obey.” Rascarr, speaking to his supposed spirit guide. This was the first recorded quote of the TFR campaign.

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Ryan Scott Jones’ Second Edition D&D Campaign

“Don’t hate the Halfling, hate the game.” Spoken by the PC Hexam.
“NO NO NO, Fuck the Party – and I’ll kill ya.” Dan Speaking to Kenn. Kenn is constantly asking questing of the DM that would hurt the party, such as, ”DM are you sure we should get a saving throw in this situation?”, and Dan is always telling him to “Stop fucking the party.”
“If there was no honor, I would have let the monkeys kill him.” The noble Eru was questioned about killing a prisoner.
“I usually get paid in crayons.” Spoken by the player Kenn, context unknown.
“Well she was small and pink and skinny – but at least she had horns.” Eru speaking at the funeral of Sasha (Sonya’s PC).
“Hexam, we have the monkey-water-problem solved!” Spoken by the player character Ki-Wen. The party captured these swamp-chimp creatures to use as ship “helpers”, but these swamp-chimps needed to be in fresh water each day.
“Persistence gets the blowjob.” The player Dan, context unknown.
“The nicest section of this cold ghetto.” The PC Hexam, referring to Bahthezdah.
“Seems to be 30 minutes short of an hour glass.” Spoken by Hexam, context unknown.
“Oh, A FUCKing bridge.” Spoken by Hexam. Trying to get across a large river the party came to a town with a bridge.
“He contracted the fatal self exploding disease.” Kenn’s PC Eru, explaining to one town Lord what happened to another town Lord after Hexam’s Psionic Disintegration.
“Junior, our master of psychology.” Spoken by Eru’s player, context unknown.
“Vampire Sunblock!” “Kenn or Dan I forget.”
“You are Ringo Dwarf.” Spoken by the player Dan, unknown context.
“It’s four coffers to a dollar.” Spoken by the player Kenn, context unknown.
“I’ll just be some sort of half Human half Dwarf hermaphrodite.” Kenn’s male Human PC was transformed into a female Dwarf.
“Uh, I remember, I remember a lot, I remember not being able to buy a
cup of coffee one morning too.”
Hexam to Mantrin. Kadaine, Eru’s Ollyphant mount, was loaded with their treasure which was stolen.
“That’s one an hour.” -Ryan “That’s 24 in a day!” -Junior Junior is always a master of the obvious.
“Uh, If Hexam is channeling the other world spirit of ‘Dan’, don’t
keep answering.”
Spoken by Kenn. Argueing with Dan or Hexam is difficult and exhausting.
“I hope that sleeper hold of Sarg. Slaughter’s works.” Spoken by Hexam, context unknown.
“300,000 plat, that’s cause for an alignment change.” Spoken by Dan.
“There’s so much blood the Dragons in Bahthezdah are gonna smell it.” Spoken by Hexam. PCs were in Avalont, Dragons are only in Bahthezdah. Avalont and Bahthezdah are thousands of miles apart.
“Humans, can’t live with em, can’t really cook em.” Spoken by Eru.
“I’ll have my monkey pet look through the blood for my arm.” Spoken by Ki’Wen, who likely had experienced better days?
“Why not!?, You can get maternity armor.” Spoken by the DM. At the time, Sonia was debating whether or not her PC Sasha should have sex with an NPC named Jarnell.
“Uh, They’re mini-taurs!” Kenn, during the first introduction of ironfangs to Ryan’s game world. Ironfangs are based on the depictions of Orcs in one of the LOTR cartoons and are short, bulky humanoids with horns.
“What time is it? –Kenn do you need a nap?” Kenn gets tired, John replies.
“Kenn, pretend it’s diet coke and you just ate your third happy meal.” Spoken by Dan. Kenn is overweight and this is a reference to the fact that he orders numerous meals at McDonalds and always gets diet soda. Idioculture.
“I think I’ll just go outside and play in the dark.” Spoken by John, context unknown.
“Ah, loot your friend that’s kinda heartless… can I loot them?” Spoken by John.
DM: Your horses are gone.
Vorren: Did they take the equipment too?
Hexam: No, just the horses, they left the equipment in a neat pile.
DM: Kenn, everything is gone except a pile of 44 horseshoes.
Kenn as Vorren, Dan as Hexam.
“Why is that dog’s ass shaved?” -Sonya
“Dan got horny.” -Ryan
One of Dan’s dogs had his rear end shaved for an operation.
“I smell it in my eyes!” Dan’s dogs have terrible gas.
“…now when my mom says, ‘here I made shit on a shingle’. I say,
‘can I have seconds?’ ”
Context unknown…to us.

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The Eye of Minstael, Original [1994-2005] Campaign. [D&D Second Edition]

“Maybe if we wait long enough Mike’s Arizona PCs will wander into town?” Perhaps not that remote a possibility, considering one of their animated piñata acquaintances just wandered past..
“I haven’t cast that spell in anger in years.” Spoken by Korath in reference to the spell Dink’s Heat Seeking Missile, which he had just cast to blow a stork-like monster into pieces. The spell is particular to my D&D gameworld and since we haven’t played the Minstael game in years…
“I don’t know what to do, I’m alone and I don’t have magical equipment!” Spoken by Galvan’s player; his character had just charged ahead, ignoring a group of monsters that the rest of the party was busy engaging in order to get to Tarom’s tower as quickly as possible. The tower was surrounded by an anti-magic field, and as soon as Galvan entered it his magical equipment (pretty much all his equipment) temporarily lost its enchantment and became heavier. Galvan’s player was afraid the disenchantment was permanent, and didn’t want to venture further into the tower until backup arrived.
“You win for being pushy and controlling.” A comment made by a spectator of the session, spoken to Galvan’s player, who was just awarded XP for acting in this manner (from her perspective that is). Particularly from a non-gaming, female perspective, gaming space can often seem hostile…and it is.
“We train by leading.” A comment made by a spectator of the session, spoken to Galvan’s player, who was just awarded XP for acting in this manner (from her perspective that is). Particularly from a non-gaming, female perspective, gaming space can often seem hostile…and it is.
“Unfortunately, your first priority is customer service..” Speaker unknown, but in the context of a situation in which the guardians were maintaining the “pleasant host” role while needing to play the role of small town sheriff slash terminator?
“Let’s get a few Minotaurs” One of the guardians (I assume Galvan) pondering new ways to improve the Empire…
“Were all smart here!” Galvin Cock Diesel, unknown context but likely referring to the fact that the town he and the other “guardians” rule (by constitutional power) is full of “inbred morons.”
“We will kill them and take their bed?!” Korath’s player, unknown context, trying to work out one of the party’s plans out loud? I think Galvin’s player was trying to convince him that he would actually get more sleep if he stayed up to play D&D…
“What’s a good defense against bronze?” Galvin Cock Diesel, after hearing that a kobold civilization the guardians were going to attack had a bronze-age technology.
“Our justification is infinite!” Galvin Cock Jefferson, referring to the Manifest Destiny of the guardians to rule the town, well, empire of Minstael.
“Man can not sleep on bread alone.” Korath’s player, who was at the time sleepy and misspoke.
“The trick is they believe they’re free…” Galvin Cock Jefferson, referring to the status of the average citizen of Minstael, who truly believed that they were free and not oppressed when in fact the dwarf had erected the inbred equivalent of Animal Farm (where he was kind of like an Old Major that just wouldn’t die no matter how many pieces of himself were being deposited across the world).
“C & C Guardian factory.” Comment made by Carolous Twothorn’s player, but I forget the context. Referring to Carrolous and Galvin Cock Diesel?
“You can have an almost adequate amount.” The greedy Galvin Cock Diesel, replying to Traith’s request for an equal and adequate share of the treasure. Traith was a hobbit NPC who ended up being the accountant of Minstael and the founder of its monetary system.
“He’s smarter than most idiots we trust!” Either Galvin or Carolous, referring to one of the more gifted members of the town, but who I do not recall.
“They like the feel of a horse between their legs…” I can neither recall the context or the player who uttered this quote…but likely it was Slythe’s player.
“How lucky do you feel now Black!?” Carolous Twothorn, commenting on the fate of the NPC “Lucky Black,” who I think had just received a critical hit…
“That wizard was probably a wino…” I can’t recall who said this, or to who it refers (Tarom the NPC mage who liked cheese?).
“Money keeps everyone loyal.” Galvin, commenting on his (and the guardian’s) practice of ensuring citizen loyalty through high wages and shares of profit. Ironically, he never liked to make these payments…
“Always go left!” A quote referring to a common piece of idiocultural wisdom often repeated during game sessions. It began with how I designed a particular stretch of cavern under the town of Minstael: at one point a character could walk left or right as a passage branched-off. The left passage was safe while the right passage lead to an illusory floor and a 50’ drop. Over time the players came to believe that in my campaigns left was always the better choice…
“We shall all breed freely!” “That was me (Galvin). It was when we had the harvest festival (or whatever we called it) and we had a huge party and got the town drunk (and were trying to increase our population), I stood up on the well and made a speech that ended with, “Now you can all breed freely”! To which Korath replied something along the lines of, “shhh, they will do it naturally”.” [correction made by player]
“we can kill more than we can count!” Slythe, boasting of the party’s combat abilities while escaping from a drow arena. At the time drow soldiers were dropping like flies.
“Fuck you we have tongs!!” A very drunk and incoherent Slythe’s player commenting on who knows what.
“Pickum up with their teeth..gnawwwwwrlll” [and accompanied by Slythe’s player trying to pick something off the game table with his teeth while growling at it]
“It’s a critical piss!!!” Slythe’s player, drunk, yelling from the bathroom after just leaving the game table. Yes this is crude but it was funny and does frame the idicultural feel of certain game sessions.
“You’re a moron, you deserve this town” Unknown player speaking to an inbred citizen of Minstael?
“Minstael comes to life at night.” Unknown player commenting on the number of undead citizens living in the town who would show up after nightfall, including several vampires and a shadow.
“Give me my arm…no, don’t throw it I can’t catch!!!” Galvin Cock Diesel, speaking to Caroluos Twothorn who had recovered his arm. Galvin had lost legs, arms, hands, fingers, and possibly more during his adventures but always seemed to find a way to get them back – or to borrow a similar one!
“There’s no need for violence.” The immortal line of Galvin and company, which would signal to the other guardians that, actually, it was time to launch a violent and sudden attack on the people Galvin was talking to, preferably from behind. This was such a potent part of our gaming group’s idioculture that it would have worked in real life (and nearly did once!).
“AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, WE MUST BE GREEDY!” Galvin Cock Diesel’s second most famous quote. The we in the quote refers to the guardians of Minstael.

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The Eye of Minstael, Twist IV. [D&D 3.5x Modified]

“Whenever there’s a massive flood of liquid I die.” Spoken by Dalorl the wild mage’s player after a surge event produced by Tenagra disintegrated two large vats (well, vases) holding hundreds of gallons of magical fluid. The vases were positioned near one another and when their fluids combined produced hundreds of abominations – beholders, gibbering mothers, and so forth that were all magically hostile and allied to one another. Dalorl died in the resultant battle. The player’s last character to die met his end when a flood of enchanted water was released into a dungeon complex he was exploring; the floodwater swept him through magical trap after magical trap and battered him down stairs until he died.
“Manufacturer’s warning, use this product and you fucking die.” A side enactment, speaker unknown, referring to one or more magical urns which essentially decimated the party…
“So uh, can we put things inside you? No, another one of my characters is not trying to fuck your character..” Spoken by Fastred (who later escaped Hibernensium and joined the TFR campaign) to Tenagra. If you look down three quotes you will notice that Tenagra had stepped through puddles of magical worms. Being a large single-cell-like creature, the worms infested Tenagra’s body quickly; by the time of the quote his fluidic innards were writhing with stringy, purple, supernatural worms, and Fastred was trying to think of a way to get them out of Tenagra, possibly by using some kind of net or instrument. In a previous game, in another campaign, Tenagra’s player was touched inappropriately by Fastred’s player after a wild magical (and irresponsible) cascade-like event, hence the quote’s second part.
“I’ve got a bucket of balls.” A line from Dalorl, who had collected a quantity of super bouncy balls in a wooden bucket after one of Tenagra’s wild surges.
“What else is hard, solid, thick?” Spoken by Tenagra’s player, context unknown.
“That’s correct, I have five nifties.” Spoken by the Dralasite wild mage Tenagra, referring to (I think) his current number of appendages.
“Well, one down, one to go!” Spoken by the PC Dalorl after the situation of the quote below. The drow and his or her human fighter had threatened to kill Dalorl on several occasions, and Dalorl was thinking ahead to the human fighter’s death.
“Now would be a good time to spend your fate point.” “No, you’re not going to trick me into that…just wait, you’ll see what happens. Leading up to this situation, the drow and company were facing a planar variant gibbering mouther after releasing it from it’s protective shell that it created because the area it was sealed in was lacking in food. The drow routed as the gibbering effect (essentially a confusion spell) emitted from the monster, and ran about ten feet into a thin but long closet-like room containing only a delicate chair riddled with cut outs such that most of it was air. The mouther pursued, and realizing this (once it had entered the room) the drow stated “Well fine I hide behind the fucking chair.” Possessing more than 20 eyes, somehow the mouther noticed the drow walk around the delicate chair and hide behind it. Realizing the mouther was still coming the drow decided to then stand on the chair and jump over the 10 foot long creature, just as the floor was being transmuted into deep, wet clay. Somehow managing to climb up on the sinking chair, the drow tried to jump, and rolled a natural one on the jump check, landing square on into the mass of gaping maws. The creature immediately bit the drow repeatedly, latching on with several mouths. This resulted in constitution damage for the drow. After a few rounds of struggling, it was apparent that the drow was about to have his, or rather her constitution drained to zero. I, as DM, suggested the first part of the quote to the left, and the drow’s response suggested to me that he, or rather she was going to rely on her Highlander regeneration (from a wild surge) power to save her. Since in 3.5 rules you have to have a constitution score to regenerate, and since the creature was about to drench her in acid, her chances were slim. We “waited to see,” and the next round the drow died shortly before being consumed by the creature’s digestive secretions.
“So what did we learn from this session?” “Don’t fuck with prayer wheels.” Likely an exchange between Frank and Laurence. After ignoring several plot hooks these two had lead, or rather abused their “companions” into exploring a set of ruins that were totally insignificant to the ongoing plot. In a certain intact chamber they discovered a series of enchanted prayer wheels imbedded in a bench set on a raised dais. They spent the majority of the session “experimenting” with the prayer wheels and looking for “how the DM expects us to solve this thing,” but actually there was no solution, there was no purpose, only danger.
“Hell no I’m not pullin’ it out in front of you!” Either Laurence or his master – rather mistress Frank the drow, referring to a monkey effigy which could inspire jealousy and insanity in characters of certain alignments.
“Does the monkey appear to be useful on this pedestal?” Likely spoken by the human fighter PC Laurence “of the East,” in regard to a small effigy he found which could inspire momentary insanity in characters of a certain moral orientation (or alignment). In desperation to make sense of their surroundings, I think someone placed the effigy on a pedestal.
“Well, if we’re being honest, I’m sorry but you lost your soul.” Lord Gorlac, speaking to Atria Valesk. She was at the time curiously monochromatic, which Lord Gorlac knew meant that she had lost her soul. The party was in Hibernensium, a place where it is possible to have one’s soul condense into a physical form, a form which can be stolen and even consumed by certain indigenous powers.
“So if you have any crazy, twinkly crap coming out of your body, I want to know about it.” Spoken by the ever-eloquent drow PC Frank to another PC he was busy berating. The “twinkly crap” refers to a visible spell effect which once emitted from a wild mage PC the drow traveled with, before this PC exploded into billions of pieces.
“If I’m sleeping in it’s head, I get the first attack.” The context of this quote is hard to place, but I think the party had encountered the skeletal remains of a large dragon and were camping inside it. The players were suspicious that the remains might animate (a good idea really), and the player quoted (I think) made camp in the skull just in case.
“There’s no dark lake full of evil creatures that want to eat us.” Speaker unknown but likely Frank, the female drow PC. Well before this statement, well before the party had been stranded in a rather dangerous outer plane, well before the drow’s perpetual complaints about how the adventure wasn’t good anymore, the drow killed a companion for no other reason than to qualify for the assassin prestige class. Instead of spending his fate point to avoid the drow’s blade, the slain companion spent it to curse the drow forever. It was this curse that essentially stranded the drow in the outer plane, a realm known as Hibernensium which was quite hostile to elves. The dark lake mentioned in the quote was on this plane; it was entirely composed of liquid shadow and populated by negative energy shadow beings who nearly consumed half the party.
“Well, that’s a first. A dildo fight.” A player commenting on the strange and unusual events in the game session. The PCs were exploring an abandoned residence and entered a room which was defended by an enchanted bed which, if a will save was missed, would make characters entering the room walk over to it and sleep in it until a command word was spoken. The first character failed the save and was sleeping peacefully when the next character, a drow (immune to the sleep effect) started looting drawers in a large dresser. From the depths of my consciousness (I was DMing) came the contents of the first drawer, a set of ancient and well crafted dildos. I thought this would make for a brief laugh at best, and didn’t expect the player to take one. I really didn’t expect the same player to drag the sleeping character out of bed and jam the dildo in his mouth to wake him up. This resulted in a loss of face for the waking and gagging victim, who then proceeded to try and jam the device in the drow’s mouth for the next three rounds. The characters were so busy wrestling about with the dildo that they nearly were caught in the area of effect of a cursed mirror they forgot about in the room. All in all a strange event, especially in D&D where sexual topics seldom seem to occur.
“I’m not commin into the room if you’re gona kill the bed.” Unknown player referring to the enchanted bed mentioned above, which was thought to possibly be capable of exploding if it was destroyed (it is not uncommon for magical items to detonate when damaged or destroyed in certain D&D campaigns).
“So, should I be giving off pollen?” Tenagra the dralasite PC, referring in some way to his personal scent.
“You’re not a geek until you play D&D” A classic line, delivered by the drow’s player to his wife in order to persuade her to join our game session. Truer words…
“If you do that again I’m going to beat you to death with my shield.” The Neanderthal ranger’s reaction to a harmless wild surge which created an expanding shell of color to pass through the room he was standing in. The party had recently lost their weapons, but the ranger had a shield to carry out his threat. Considering the player’s stance in general on wild magic, this was amusing but wildly out of character. When player comments are funny the concern for in-game and out of game separation can often fade right away.

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Z’s World’s Largest Dungeon Campaign [D&D 3.5]

“I identify his sausage” The gnome sorcerer, referring to the spell identify and to an actual edible sausage which was created magically by a traveling, seemingly-wild-magically-generated hot dog vender.
“Well, everyone loves a postman. Except Kenders in melee with one.” The sorcerer’s player, commenting on the utility of kobold mailmen in the game world and the current situation of a Kender PC who had tried to interfere with a kobold postal employee’s business and was attacked by said employee.
“Hello Mr. Kobold, would you like a carrot?” Unknown player’s actual words to an encountered Kobold NPC. I believe the carrot was refused.
“Man, I’m getting the rolls, until my life is on the line that is.” Player comment which frames a common perception among players, that they can roll really well until it matters – sort of a Murphy’s Law effect.
“We don’t deal with Titans very much in my line of work…I’m only 17 after all.” The party’s cleric, referring to a large Titan guarding the entrance to the World’s Largest Dungeon.
“We’re clearly the dungeon’s go-getters” The rogue, referring to the overall lack of progress the other denizens of the dungeon seemed to be making finding items, clearing rooms, and so on.
“There’s no reason for violence.” An imported comment which actually meant, let’s drop them all! This derives from the original Eye of Minstael adventure, in which the character Galvin “Cock Diesel” would use the same quotation as a means to [1] tell his companions to attack, [2] lull his opponents into thinking he was, momentarily, peaceful.
“There appears to be a kobold broadcasting network – the KBN.” The rogue’s player, commenting on the well informed and (seemingly) superfluously connected web of kobold NPCs in the dungeon and beyond.
“Can I bless your snout?” The priest, pondering the utility of casting bless to improve my mutant wolverine PC’s bite attack.
“Eanie Meanie Miney Moe, elf gets eaten by a tree.” The rogue’s player, commenting on a random method the DM was using to determine who a plant monster was going to attack. It ended up attacking his elf, and hence the quote, which nearly gave me a heart attack it as so damn funny.
“Do you always obey the voices in your head?” Amusing, but I forget the context. Possibly delivered by the rogue to the Kender psionicist.
“This dungeon fell apart due to a vitamin deficiency.” The sorcerer’s player, commenting half out of character, referring to the food items magically produced on an enchanted table, which were less than nutritionally diverse. This is another example of a side enactment, a significant aspect of gamer speech.
“You know that evocation is not commonly associated with dinnerware…” The DM, being vague in regard to the nature of an enchanted table…

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Nick Wood’s Middenheim Campaign [AD&D 2.x]

“Wait, wait, wait. It’s got to be Feng Shu…” A side enactment spoken by Ray’s player. At the time, an Umber Hulk was rampaging toward one of our characters in a fight inside a mansion. In between said character and the Hulk was a fancy, velvet covered Victorian couch. In the game the monster simply smashed through the piece of furniture, but in the side enactment the Umber Hulk bumps the couch, then speaks the quote and starts arranging the furniture just so.
“How many Umber Hulks did we just drop? Four? I got that…XP odometer rolling in my mind.” Spoken by me, Debrem’s player. A totally metagame comment, referring to the experience points my character would get after the battle.
“Where’s my fucking meat shield?” Ray the hobbit rogue, after getting whopped by a large Umber Hulk. His “meat shield” refers to any number of hapless NPCs Ray prefers to follow and direct into battle, perferably from a safe distance.
“Now that’s what I call quality.” Ray, after using his sling of quality (recently purchased) to score something like thirty points of damage to an Umber Hulk.
“It sucks when you start the battle and your enemies have aerial superiority…especially when you don’t know what aerial superiority is.” Spoken by Debrem’s player, mostly out of character, referring to a large Neogi Deathspider spell-jamming vessel his wild magic summoned that was sending down raiding parties. The target of the surge which brought the space ship was a pimp the party had just gone to great lengths to capture, reduce, and place in a bottle.
(Shizzle) “I’m gona take you out little man!” (Ray) “I don’t wana go on a date with you, and stop shaking that thing in my face!” Shizzle, a tallish human, was a hired thug of Ragnar the pimp, who at the time was fighting Ray the hobbit, who was short. In this side enactment, Ray’s player develops a mental picture in which Shizzle’s “piece” is at about Ray’s eye level. This image was likely inspired by the sexual interpretation of the thug’s original comment.
(Ragnar, pimp) “Oh that bitch, is she on the job?” (Ray) “I don’t think that’s her name.” Ragnar is referring to “Subcommandante Gladys,” an ally of the party who was a former “employee” of the pimp. Ray was just being Ray.
“No bitch, these are my friends Bizzle and Shizzle.” What fantasy-modern pimp could ask for better named henchmen?
“You lose XP for stabbing the DM.” Spoken to me, Debrem’s player, but the context is fuzzy. I think this is a side enactment in which I made a joking comment about stabbing the DM?
“You gota love chaotic good – Kill em’ all!” The DM, subtly reminding my Chaotic Good dwarf that it might not be Chaotically Good to slaughter a group of helpless, poor, low level street thugs who just passed out after I cast dementia ball (a campaign-specific spell).
“Oh {puts sword away} you’re The Beastmen!? Oh shit, The Beastmen?! Oh I had no idea, I’m so sorry {out of character to the DM} I back away and cast..” Here Debrem is speaking to a group of gang memebers shortly before frying their minds with a spell that distorts space and time with deadly effect.
“Wow, there are Ember Dwarves in Phoenix!” Long story; this information derived from a summoned golem-like android named “Teacher” who actually was from some parallel Phoenix metropolis. This is amusing, in that Ember dwarves usually reside near lava flows. In the case of the Phoenix Ember Dwarves, they would have to accept a draumatic increase in temperature…
(Antiosh) “Can I bring my dog in here?” (Debrem) Why not? I’m bringing a golem and a rust monster!” Party discussion before entering a tavern. The golem refers to teacher, a self aware android-like creature. As far as the rust monster goes, in Debre’s opinion “Don’t leave home withot it.”
(DM) “Fuck you Mike!” I was, once again, asking every single NPC Debrem met what their name was. The universe got tired of revealing this kind of data.
“You fuck with a wizard, you get pink hair.” Debrem, speaking to his companions after cantrip-ing an abusive, loudmouth father’s hair a bright pink color.
“Oh ya, and I suppose those two Hyena-men are just out and about making treaties as well..” Debrem, speaking to a pair of Yetis who, at something like three in the morning had just wandered into the fortress Debrem and company were busy conquering. The Yetis, who looked similar to other creatures Debrem had fought in the fort, were trying to convince Debrem that they were ambassadors from afar seeking trade negotiations. Debrem responded with the question “Fine, why not go see the King then?” and their response was basically “Because he’s not here right now, you are [refrain].” The “Hyena men” were a pair of gnolls summoned accidentally by either Debrem’s magic or that of the party leprechaun, who had been counseling Debrem on how evil the Yetis actually were.

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The “Ranger Adventure” [1995] Campaign. [D&D Second Edition]

“Can I parry with my head?” Spoken by either Arabane Wingfoot, Findan MaLosh, Nerthach, or Ibormeith and likely in the context of a battle between them and a group of Crion zombies? I’m sure the character in question was wearing a helmet…
“Cats meow they don’t twitter like a fucking bird!” This was spoken by Arabane’s player Dave (I think), who was arguing about, well, the sounds animals make? The comment came soon after the original twittering comment.
“Fuck you you twittering cat!” I have no idea who said this, but Dave was somehow involved. I don’t even recall who the quote was targeted at. I don’t think anyone was a purling, and there were no cats on the plane (I think).
“DUSH! Goodnight…oh initiative.” Spoken by a tired and inebriated Dave who jerked his head up while making the DUSH sound effect, then composed himself enough to march on into battle.
“Clever but stupid is a stupid but stupid idea.” Spoken by Arabane, commenting on either another player’s ridiculous idea (from his perspective) or on the experience point award entitled “clever but futile idea.”
“I got into trouble and hocked up a leaf.” I recall one of the player characters actually coughing up a leaf, but why I can’t remember. Perhaps they were eating plants they shouldn’t have been eating? There were no wild mages about, so that’s not it..
“Ya well it’s fucking green alright!” I think this is Arabane’s player, and I think he was trying to describe something and not doing a very good job, but I can’t exactly recall.
“So are you gona eat me like it says in the book?” Unknown player comment, likely speaking to a monster and likely referring to either my DMing notes or to the monster manual.
“Look at it, its squished. I can’t eat it if its squished.” I can not place this quote at all, except for the faint possibility that it referred to a native animal of Hibernensium the party had killed violently in search of food. One of the insect-turtles perhaps?
“Are you done with the wildlife safari, Mutual of Omaha!?” Spoken partly in and out of character by Arabane, whose player was probably drunk. I think he was speaking to Findan McLosh the party druid, who was probably doing things that bored Arabane’s player, like not wading into battle and stopping to bother with animals.
“Think? I don’t think!” Hmmm, who could have spoken this quote? The context is lost to the depths of the universe…
“Prepare to get sticked!” (and soon after) “I’m gona stickem, sticken, stickem.” Spoken by Vordac and referring to a group of Crions that had plane shifted the party to a hellish dimension. Vordac carried out his threat, but may have died in the battle…
“It’s like a Barry Manilow keg party.” I think this quote was spoken by someone commenting on the scene where the party tracked a group of Crions (think plane-traveling, super-strong, bard-dwarves) to where they were staging a Drusi dance, an event where they played their instruments around a big bonfire at an ancient stone circle in order to dance their victims to death.
“Ya I am tall…would you like a purple bottle? No? More for me then.” Spoken by Vordac, the first giant character I have ever seen with ADD. His player did a good job of portraying the unusualness of a giant-psyche, the intricacies of chaotic neutral…or perhaps the player was just that way himself? Anyway the quote was funny.
“Wait, this is a dog talking to me?” Unknown player comment, and the context is somewhat fuzzy. There was actually a dog in the adventure (which lead the party on a chase after a group of Crions), but I am pretty sure it wasn’t talking to anyone…unless one of the many party rangers had some way of communicating with dogs, which might have been the case.
“I was hanging out with promiscuous goblins…” Spoken by Vordac in the process of answering someone’s question, something like “Where we’re you?” By the way, Vordac was telling the truth.
“Oh, it’s you Zordac.” I think this quote was spoken in character by someone mispronouncing Vodak’s name, perhaps as their character nearly ran into Vordac while trying to enter a cabin on a beach? Anyway, this quote’s humor says something about the kinds of names FRPG characters tend to have.
”WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?” A quote derived from an episode of Kids in the Hall where a hick mates with a chicken and spawns offspring. In that skit the hick’s parents find the chicken-human, look at their son, and yell this quote. In the game session this quote occurred after the PC Vodak, a Voadkyn giant, had intimate relations with a goblin woman. It was something of a side enactment.
“I’m heavily armed and I have animal empathy.” Spoken, in character, by Arabane Wingfoot, one of several party rangers. I am not sure of the context. The player of this character always made gaming sessions a riot, and always filled my DMing notes with quotes.

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The Cirocene Campaign. [D&D 2.x, experimental]

“I’m not as strong and, uh, puffy as you.” Spoken by Sesqua, a Neanderthal barbarian to (I think) the Yeti PC Hayglic. The player making the quote only played once and might have felt a little awkward at the time.
“I don’t eat humans…anymore.” Hayglic, a good-aligned Yeti paladin trying to convince Ashkenaz, a Neanderthal ranger/shaman, that he should be allowed to take shelter in the Neanderthal’s cave. In that campaign Yetis were the main antagonists, and the Neanderthal was just looking out for his own, including a group of human refugees under his protection.
{sarcastic tone} “Yes. Kill me and all evil will dissipate.” The Yeti Hayglic speaking to a suspicious Neanderthal PC he just met. The Neanderthal thought that the Yeti might be allied to a group of spirits he was having trouble with, and probably threatened the Yeti with death.
“I don’t worship gods. They are unreliable.” Ashkenaz the Neanderthal speaking to a Yeti paladin he just met; surprise the paladin brought up the topic of religion.
“I think you’re the first ranger to track himself…three times!” Me, the DM, speaking to Ashkenaz’s player K.W. I don’t recall the exact context but it involved some really poor tracking rolls, and perhaps something doubling back over its own tracks.
(Ashkenaz) “Nothing eats me.” (DM) “You’re awfully confident.” Well, things had tried to eat him, but thus far none had succeeded. In fact, the entire campaign went by and nothing ate the Neanderthal (sigh).
“I also kill fearsome creatures!” Ashkenaz, likely speaking to the PC Yeti Hayglic after either an encounter with ghouls or after hunting? Hard to tell. Among those fearsome creatures were a Wendigo and a spirit-possessed cave bear.
“I forgot this guy was a ranger too.” Spoken by Ashkenaz’s player, after the DM suggested/hinted he might search for tracks? The exact context is lost to the depths of time, but everyone from time to time forgets things about their characters…
“Green eyes mean things are attacking me.” Ashkenaz, speaking partly out of character and referring to the fact that all his recent opponents (entities from a kind of spirit realm) had green glowing eyes.
“If you hear bells, stay in the cave.” Ashkenaz warning his companions and remaining tribe; the sound of far off bells had been accompanying the arrival of dangerous spiritual creatures.
“The other one got dinosaured.” Spoken by Ashkenaz the Neanderthal and referring to a human “refugee” who had been recently killed by a Tyrannosaur while fleeing from giant, magical, flying jellyfish monsters. The survivors told Ashkenaz the tale.

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The “Solnean Steampower” Campaign. [D&D 3.5x Modified]

“How bad could one little cascade be anyway?” A “cascade” refers to a cluster of wild surges which all go off nearly simultaneously, such as when a 3.5x wild mage casts nhall’s reckless dweomer with the intended spell of nhall’s reckless dweomer. In this case, Cheerio the hobbit wild mage was commenting on the prospect of such a cascade erupting as a consequence of his altering the timeline to save his familiar, Nasty the rabbit.
“Why do I always seem to be playing fucking Jobe?” Ian, commenting on how his characters always seem to be cosmically shat on. In the context of the quote, his character regained consciousness to find that one of his fingers had been eaten by a dog since last he had consciousness and that a kobold female was giving him some intimate “sexy time” by screwing him on top.
“Maybe she could be your new familiar?” “You’ve become very familiar!” The first comment was made by me, the DM to, Cheerio (the hobbit wild mage)’s player: I was referring to a kobold NPC that had just (essentially) raped the hobbit. The response came from one of the other players, who was referring to their newfound, mutual sexual familiarity.
“Don’t EVER cast a heal spell on me.” Chort Vozmee’s player, referring to the fact that his character is undead and harmed by such magic. The quote was ironic enough to note.
“He’s a cloud fighter, ignore him.” Chort Vozmee, the mutant-and-undead wolverine priest of Cezlestus, referring to Shiro Sulfheim the fearless Samurai dwarf. The dwarf had, in an earlier session, purposefully walked away from battle and stood in a noxious cloud of smoke to avoid said battle (which had collected from a torched beholder corpse). He stood there for a couple of rounds and then failed a fortitude save, falling feint to the floor.
“What did you fight?” “It appeared to be some sort of cloud.” The first question was posed by Squat McBittyshanks, a PC mutant squirrel. He was speaking to Shiro the dwarf. Note the previous quote above…
“Do you have any idea what kind of alignment you want to be?” “Something awful…” I, the DM, directed the question to Squat McBittyshanks’ player, who had just recently been introduced to tabletop gaming. He wasn’t as yet aware of the basic 9 D&D alignments, and after some explanation went with Chaotic Evil.
“He’s making sexy time, woman on fountain!” Spoken by the anthropomorphic PENTICORN gestalt ranger/rogue Prtahlmah Brrrrtlxziao (the party just calls him lleyo and quite by accident: no one knew this was Spanish for cocaine). Lleyo was referring to a statue of a gypsy woman and to an older drow man they were searching for: in his opinion there was something sexual there…
“They had weapons and armor. She had…a hungry look.” Chort Vozmee explaining the difference between “finbacks,” anthropomorphic lizard beings (which were armed) and a small kobold NPC, who was semi-starved.
“Is it ok if I call you lleyo?” Spoken by Chort’s player to Prtahlmah Brrrrtlxziao. Any reference to illicit substances was incidental, but this quote was doubly funny considering how hyper and “coked up” Prtahlmah seems from time to time.
“Are you familiar with Nasty?” No, this wasn’t a come-on line but rather a reference to Nasty the rabbit, a deceased party NPC, the familiar of Cheerio the hobbit.
“Where is this place?” “Here.” Question posed by Shiro Sulfheim’s player, potentially referring to a warehouse the party rifted into. Chort Vozmee responded.
“It could be a door.” “Or something worse..” I’m not sure of the context, but this seems like a classic dungeoncrawling comment…
“Ok, maybe the floor will miss him because his AC is good.” Ian, trying to remain optimistic as fate (once again) goes against his character. In this case, his character’s familiar was falling over 40’ down towards a hard stone floor. While there were pillows down there, his familiar was already at negative hit points and in trouble: he died on impact. Anyway, this quote seems to frame the ways in which gamers poke fun at the game mechanics.
“A giraffe in the hallway isn’t going over the top of anything..” At the time this quote was uttered, the in-game action was focused on a stereotypical dungeon-like hallway area complete with 10-12’ ceilings. A wild surge cascade had gone off there, which produced (among other things) a magical geyser hole which started spewing, yes, giraffes at high velocity into the area. These new additions to the in-game reality more went through folks than over them.
“Well, I’m not going to stick around for this shit – either we’re cutting your leg off or we’re not!” Chort, speaking to Nasty the rabbit, who was sovereign-glued to a section of dungeon floor. A wild surge cascade had recently deposited a magical geyser hole not 20’ away which was spewing all manner of ugly into the hall, and Chort wasn’t willing to stick around to witness the full event. Cutting the rabbit’s leg off was an option, but instead the rabbit resorted to magic and self-terminated after a “nasty” fall.
“What harm could a surge do at this point?” This quote was funny on two levels. First, wild surges usually do nothing but harm and second, it was uttered by Keith Wood, a D&D player world-renown for his loathing of wild magic. Actually, much harm was available and disseminated.
“I will haunt you mother fucker!” Exact context unknown, but I think it refers to something a theoretically-dead PC would have done if another PC caused his death?
“At least its only your bottom legs..” Someone referring to the fact that Nasty the rabbit wasn’t fully glued to the floor.
“You’re dangerously normal.” This comment was directed towards Znarp the dralasite, a PC paladin whose charisma was too low to actually use his paladin supernatural abilities. Thus, his normalcy was dangerous in the sense that it threatened his own life.
“They could be enemy stringed instruments I suppose..” The final word on some Wooden confusion regarding a DM description of “bows” that someone thought might be used to play stringed instruments. At the time it was funny, but now I’m not so sure.
“I’m gona put my hands on it, and moonwalk backwards..” Spoken by Chort’s player, context unknown. Michael Jackson is always funny.
“No, I’m not spending character points on what the level 1 thief-orc had..” Spoken by Harmon the mutant Rhino ex-prostitute’s player, referring to the possibility of modifying a die roll the DM made in regard to an opponent’s possessions.
“Where the hell am I?” “Candyland.” We thought this quote was really funny at the time, but I can’t recall the context. It was likely spoken by Harmon’s player after Harmon woke up in a cemetery. How that setting reminded someone of Candyland eludes me…
“You guys don’t want to eat me unless you want to live forever.” Spoken by Chort Vozmee, an undead (less than delectable) mutant wolverine.
“People jump off every time I get on the train..” Spoken by Chort, who was correct: every time he has ridden the light rail in Argenford people have jumped off. Once, this was because Chort commanded (as in the spell) someone to leave – they rolled themselves over a rail and out the train car. The other time multiple passengers were fleeing undead Chort was responsible for.
“Outside, its pouring-ass rain” “I wait for the ass rain to stop.” The first part of this exchange was spoken unknowingly by the DM. Chort Vozmee’s player responded with a perfectly timed side enactment.
“That’s his whistle whale!” Spoken by Znarp’s player, referring to the wild magical dildo-flute in Chort’s possession of course. Whistle whale’s are the source of Solnean steampower, a kind of wild magically-generated and summoned combination of a whale, some kind of landshark, and steam-power pipes and engines. These creatures and their aggressive actions against farm-folk provided a catalyst which spawned a rebellion which overthrew the Solnean democratic monarchy, allowing the formation of the Empire of Solnea. Thus, Whistle whales are commonly depicted and readily encountered in the in-game environment.
“Sweet, vision and experience all at the same time! Its like Christmas!” Spoken by Cheerio’s player. Cheerio had struck himself blind with one of his first wild surges gone-wrong, and at this point in the game he had managed to recover his sight when experience points were awarded.
“We have brought the mop of power.” “Master, I’ll mop them up” The second quote was uttered by Nick Wood during a side enactment, but I can’t place the exact context.
“Why is there always a dildo in this adventure?!” Located inside a crate labeled “Danger! Wild Magic!” was a “dildo-shaped flute;” the party happily took it with them. I, as DM, had decided that in a particular room there would be 4 things summoned by wild magic resting in crates labeled with warnings: when the party entered the room I had players roll on a d100 wild surge chart to define what these items were. Unfortunately, they rolled “dildo shaped flute.” See this link for further appreciation of this quote’s humor…
“So, what came out when he unzipped it?” Whatever it was, it wasn’t significant enough for me to devote memory space to it…anyone else know what the &$#% this refers to?
“How come all the cows are named snowflake?” “And why are no two the same?” Somehow, the table got to talking about the possibility of it raining cows in the Empire of Solnea, and this side-enactment occurred. We may have been discussing the global-campaign effects of residual wild magic?
“Pretend we can’t be separated; we’re one creature, a rabbit-tar.” The party was walking up to the front gates of Argenford, and were trying not to attract attention to themselves because [1] one party member was undead, [2] one party member was a wild mage, [3] no one wanted trouble because both undead and wild magic were highly illegal. Of course, the party’s members were potential red flags for the city watch to begin with: a large mutant rhino, a Dralasite, an undead wolverine and a living wolverine, and a hobbit riding a giant white rabbit. The hobbit didn’t want to be separated from his rabbit when they eventually did get arrested, and uttered the quote to the left..
“I don’t think you know the name of that word.” Context unknown, but damn funny…
“I wonder if I can attach a cushion to the end of my bow or something?” I think this was uttered during a “clever but futile”, or rather a “futile but futile” idea-event. I think it somehow involved climbing over a large iron cemetery gate, which nearly killed half the party as they tried to scale it.
“Znarp?” “Yes” “Why are you lying on the ground?” A question posed by Chort as he was walking out of a carriage which Znarp, the Dralasite paladin of humor, was lying prone in front of. Moments earlier, Znarp had critically fumbled and flopped onto the ground, having slipped in the rain. This was potentially his best moment in combat ever.
“Is it expensive to get a license to shove someone?” An in-character question posed by Znarp after hearing that dueling permits were available at The Drowsy Dragon, an adventurer’s Inn in Argenford.
“Yes, what is the sexual function of your race?” A question asked by Znarp, a Dralasite paladin of humor, to another PC. I think the answer was “to breed…”
“Do not allow Cridmoore to develop Wild Mages of destruction!” Someone’s comment on the history of Solnea in the current campaign, bringing-in some semantic baggage from “the desert of the real” and the Iraq War. In this campaign, Solnea was at war with Cridmoore, and only managed to defeat their rival using wild magic.
“Oh, I have Islamic affinity, but that’s not important” Spoken by Chort Vozmee’s player: as a mutant animal in the current campaign he was able (was forced?) to roll a set of wild magical mutations for his character. One of these was a new sub-stat “Islamic Affinity.”

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The Great Miscellany: quotes from short campaigns, way out of context, etc.

“You gota watch out for those gnomes, or you’ll get bubbles up the whoopsadiasy!” From “The Amnesia Campaign,” an experiment my gaming group tried where the players randomly selected their characters but didn’t get to see their character sheets, as everyone had amnesia. The point of the game was to figure out what your character was good at, and to role-play the conflict between what you wanted to be versus what you were. The quote was spoken by a neutral evil kobold alchemist/monk who didn’t trust goblins (and I think the group encountered a goblin NPC).
“So your worried about her property but you want to nail her to a cross?!” The first recorded quote (of two) from the Amnesia Campaign, spoken by a half elven rogue (played by K.W.) to a neutral evil half orc anti-paladin (played by N.W.); the orc was starting to figure out and reconnect with his dark-side and really wanted to further explore his evil by crucifying an NPC priestess he helped to save from a beholder. The quote came after some comment made by the orc having to do with protecting or not stealing temple artifacts…
“The more awake we are, the less likely it is that we will die…{yells} mage, coffee!” Spoken by Amorphaeous Antilles, a human cavalier, having one of his lucid moments and speaking to Arnrock the wild mage. I think in the real world Amorphaeous’ player was tired, so this comment was sort of out of character.

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Links to Other Tabletop RPG Quote Listings On the Net

https://v1.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/9.298644-Best-Tabletop-RPG-Quotes An interesting listing of quotes along with who spoke them, organized by user; “I love that I can tell what games people are playing just by the quotes. :D”

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